Days 6-10 of ten day project

i got behind due to my shoulder so im making up for lost time here.

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

1.a special person I recently met who will remain unnamed for now

2. the family I still talk to, the 4 of you know who you are

3. maybe not “people but my dogs

4. my fet friends

5. my God Satan

Day 7: Four turn-offs.

1.       Close mindedness

2.       Pushy people

3.       Uneducated people

4.       Mean people

Day 8: Three turn-ons.

1.       Manners

2.       Eyes

3.       Able to control me

Day 9: Two images that describe my life right now, and why.

1.       A kid in a playgound, because I feel like I have a new lease on life

2.       A bunny looking out a rabbit hole-scared of the new found world until its explored

Day 10: One confession.

1.       I constantly live in fear of being mistreated again in life. 

10 day project, day 5

Day 5: Six things I wish I’d never done

1. dyed my hair black

2.quit college

3.stopped my fibro meds

4. had my kids so young

5.i really dont have many regrets, and those are weak
6.

Lets try this...

ive really gotten behind but my shoulder is in an immobilizer because i tore the rotatory cuff again. So i had sat my writing aside for a bit. Today im kind of back but typing one handed, this is taking forever this way but using my left arm is impossible in this thing.

ive been sleeping a lot as theres not a whole lot i can do right now.

Slowly im going to try and catch up on some news and writing today, hopefully i can get some things accomplished.

10 day project, day 4

Day 4: Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

1.Wheres my coffee and cigs!!!

2.What is Murphy up to NOW!!!!

3.Ohh Shiny!!!!

4.do i have what it takes to survive on my own??? Then i answer NO, i dont know how to!!

5.Vanillas completely misunderstand me!!!!

6.Someone please kidnap and whip me before i totally lose my mind!!!!

7.i want my pillow back!!! darn Murphy!!!

Clarification of grammar

 No one has said anything yet about how i refer to myself in lowercase at all times but its how i believe and am. As a slave i dont use uppercase when referring to me unless im signing my name on a legal document.

i kind of consider myself a household appliance.  So, when was the last time you called your toaster in uppercase, Toaster? Its pretty much the same thing.

i feel it also shows humbleness, humility and that i am aware of where i belong in society.

i know, another short one but i thought i needed to spell this one out for anyone vanilla thinking i just have bad grammar skills.

Wow, i cant donate!!!

 i read somewhere a little while back and just ran into something similar again. Apparently if you have fibromyalgia you cant be an organ donor??

Being that it does compromise ones immune system i can somewhat understand but ive always been a donor since i was able to be one.  i guess maybe the meds and other things that you need when you have fibro makes everything different.

i can still however donate blood and im happy about that as ive donated a few times and its a good feeling giving back like that.

ive always been big on giving back to your community in whatever way you possibly can. When i ran my group i took donations for the local animal shelters and took donations for soldiers serving overseas as well.

It saddens me to think that i cant donate my organs anymore. ive always been set that if something were to happen to me and it could be done i wanted my son to get my pancreas.  He was diagnosed as a diabetic at the age of 4 and i really want him to have the best chance possible and now i cant give that to him.

So, while i fought so hard to go off my meds what is it really going to matter since my organs wont be able to be donated anyway...

i also read something tonight about selling your eggs??? i wonder if thats something else thats affected. Not that i would do it or that i would even be a canidate but its a thought running in my head and i may research it and see.

i realize that fibro is sister to Lupus but wow, the more i read and try to live life the more i realize that yes, this is a debilitating disease and its more serious that i thought. 

Ten Day project, Day 3

Day 3: Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Have a sense of humor, if you dont find Foamy the Squirrel funny our sense of humors do not match...

2. Be open to my religious beliefs, you DO NOT have to accept or like it, just respect my choice.

3. Let me serve you breakfast in bed!!! Serving others is what feeds my soul.

4. Coloring books, My Little Ponys and stuffed animals

5. Talk to me, i like a good conversation, and talking to myself gets boring...

6. You can never go wrong with Starbucks or chocolate

7. Take the time to get to know me, i find everyone interesting for one reason or another, give me the chance to
find you interesting.

8. PUPPIES!!!!

**Notice**

 i am fully aware that my instant messenger information is on here and im fine with that.

What im not fine with is people messaging me thinking that im some easy target who will cyber sex with them. Thats not who i am, not what i stand for and not something i will do.

 If you want to talk about the M/s lifestyle im always willing to chat with anyone but im not obliged to give out personal details of what goes on in my day to day personal life.

 i love chatting with anyone who can hold a logical conversation, to me asking me to turn my cam on is not logical, nor conversation.

i hope you all understand and if you want to talk about anything ive written, or the lifestyle as i stated above feel free to say "Hi" if you see im online.

Thank you for taking the time to read this , its appreciated.

Amish hate crimes

ive read a lot of things over the years, some very weird things at that but this has to be one of those what has really gotten my attention.

It seems that a dozed Amish man one that was 66 years old decided to cut the beards and hair of  5 fellow Amish men.

Unfortunately the story is very vague but i really wish it wasn't.  It just goes to show that no matter your race, religion or affiliations that no one is exempt from hate crimes and i find this extremely sad as this country is supposed to be about freedom and we are all slowing losing what is left.

i lived in an Amish community, in an Amish home for a month in the past and while it was eye opening it was also kind of cool. Seeing how hard they try to be self sufficient and not depend on the Englishman at all.

i have to give this community credit, even if others see them as living in a way past day and age. They dont bend to English ways, their efficiency in things is amazing as is how their families are raised.  While living there i cant say i ran into one Amish person who was rude to me even if they didnt understand my ways.

i do wish i knew why this man and his friends committed this tragedy but even if we were told would we understand??? Probably not as their ways are different, not good bad wrong or right, just different but its worked for them for many many years.

10 day project: Day two

Day 2: Nine things about myself.

1. im not a fan of diamonds, blue topaz is my favorite stone.

2. i still tend to watch my fingers when i type even though ive covered them up and still did just fine without looking.

3. if i could travel to anywhere in the world Italy would be my first stop.

4. my addictions are cigarettes, Doritos and Mountain Dew

5. im a Satanist

6. i tend to think more like a male than a female on many topics

7. my favorite color is purple

8. i collect My Little Ponys, stuffed animals and key rings

9. i love to color in coloring books in my spare time.

i really could have kept going on this one but didnt as it only wanted 9 things. i may expand on some of these other things at a later date and time.

Ten day project: Day 1

Ten day project: Day 1

Day 1: Ten things I want to say to ten different people right now.

11.       To my family in general:  Don’t think im coming back anytime soon. Ive made it almost 5 years without you. That’s not going to change.

22.       Doms/Masters that contact me: yes, im a slave but im not your slave. At this time im un owned and btw don’t try to cyber with me, I don’t do that.

33.       My ex: im soo better off right now, its amazing that ive dug myself out of that poor me pit that you had me stick in, ive learned to smile again and it feels GREAT!!!

44.       My best friend: Thank you for being there, your conversations with me mean more than you may ever realize and im always here for you as you have for me.

55.       JH: thank you for the support you have given me, it means a lot to me

66.       MS: Youre level headedness helps me at times, thank you for being there for me, im always here if you need me.

77.       CS: Youre wonderful, and im so glad we have gotten to know each other. I will always be there for you.

88.       PS: Youre very unique, in a good way don’t change the world needs more people like you in it!!!

99.       Everyone in my r/l: you each have something special about you, im not one to keep people around me as I tend to get overwhelmed easily but if you’ve been around this long im sure you will stay.

110.   To ANYONE who reads this: Thank you for reading what I write and post. Without you I wouldn’t be able to write like I do.  Soon look for some new articles on up and coming bands. Im working with one now that’s being great about me doing a review..im really loving how its turning out so far. 

Furry companions

Kind of an odd post but i have been sharing bits and pieces of my life in here so that others can learn more about me and what makes me tick and why i feel how i do on some things.

So im going to share some pictures of my dogs..They are the biggest part of my life and Bones had a rough sad start with me as he is a rescue.

.

These pictures were taken when he was picked up. He sadly weighed 11 pounds and was a matted mess. i couldnt even use a baby brush on him without him crying he was soo skinny. 

The vet the next day said that was was approximately 5 years old, i was told me was 18 months. not surprising as he had never had a name either. 

This is Bones late in the day after i got him. All cleaned up, fed and looking happy. His eyes were void of emotion and scared when i picked him up, he was merely a shell of a dog, but has turned out to be one of the best dogs ive ever had. 

After having him a while it was decided to get him a brother, after some careful consideration Murphy was chosen

Murphy was 2 when i got him and has been a huge help with Bones. Bones didnt know how to play when i got him and Murphy has taught him how to play, wrestle and be a dog. Murphy has been amazingly wonderful for Bones and even me. 

i spent a ton of time writing and i wonder if the boys dont think that this laptop is fused to my hands as these pictures above are of when they have gotten tired of me writing  have decided to join me or stop me. 

You can call me obsessive about my dogs but together me and them are one little happy family. 

Bones needed Murphy and now i need both of them more than ever. 

i really used to think that i had to have a man around to survive and while its nice having human companionship the unconditional love that i share with these 2 little fur boys will never compare, the dogs are much better.  They have been here with me through the worst of times and always are happy and wagging their tails. And theres nothing i wouldnt do to keep them taken care of and happy. 

This last pic is a bad one as its off my phone but i still think its adorable, they put up with just about anything from me!!!

Gotta give then kudos for that!!!

Dogs during the warmer months

The weather is warming up fast, faster than I remember it doing before…whats up with that anyway…

This has me thinking about my dogs. They tend to pay more than us humans during these times of warm weather. Here are some tips ive discovered work in keeping my dogs happy when its hot.

I have a Miniature Poodle and a Shi-poo, so they have decent coats that need frequent bathing and trimming. This time of the year I try to keep them tripped short yet not so short that I have to worry about sunburn. Yes, pet owners, animals are also sensitive to the sun.  I know there are products out there for pets with sunscreen in it but I have yet to try any of them as I haven’t had the need yet.

Another good tip is that if you plan on starting walking your dog after all the time inside from the winter however their paws are pretty sensitive and need protected. The best bet is if they are going to be walking on sidewalks or pavement alone they do need doggie boots.  More dogs end up with blistered feet in the summer than most would realize, especially if you haven’t been walking them in the cold weather.

Swimming. This is great to cool your dogs off.  Theres nothing better than finding a good dog park with water and letting your dog swim and play in the water.  Its great exercise for them and tons of fun. Personally I love playing fetch with my boys in the water. They could spend all day chasing sticks in the water so it’s a fun time for all.

Another important factor this time of year is flea and tick control. Now, it should be used year around but for those who don’t, and im guilty of this myself. Its very important to use flea and tick control this time of year. If you don’t like using the spot on treatments there are recipes to make treats for your dogs that keep the pests away. Now I have no tried making them or giving them to my fur babies but maybe here soon I will and ill share the recipe and review it for you all.

Other than these simple tips, adding an ice cube or so to their water and little things like that are very important. Oh another HUGE tip…if you plan on walking your dog on warm days make sure and take water with you.  Last year I found a portable watering thing that you could attach a water bottle to for a few bucks last year and its super simple to use and great for making sure your pups stay hydrated.

I wish everyone and their fur kids a safe and happy spring and summer!!

Religion and dying

I am who I am, I spent most of my life as a Wiccan, and now as a Satanist. Honestly the change while there was a  change wasn’t a  big as I thought it would be.  Not to mention for me personally it just makes sense for me. Now I haven’t been a Satanist very long and there is still much to learn but heres the thing. The biggest thing I take from it is personal empowerment, who doesn’t need that, this world is too weak and so many cant think for themselves, Satanism encourages you to use your own mind, and stand firm in your decisions. Now that doesn’t mean to beat the hell out of those who are against you but unlike many Christians who believe in turning the other cheek I as a Satanist believe that one should stand up, voice your opinion and move on.. I don’t waste my time arguing with people over things, I am who I am and if you don’t like me, how I believe or how I life my life…simply go along your way as im not changing for you.

The topic of death has been coming up a lot lately and heres my thoughts on that. While im not ready to die I know that I wont be one of those people laying on their death beds groveling to whom mainstream society calls God and trying to repent all of my wrong doings. Sure, ive made my fair share of mistakes but that will be the last thing I will think about.

Not to mention who I would want there. At this point just bring me my dogs. I don’t want family there and unless you want me to haunt you for eternity don’t send in a chaplain or anyone Christian to try and get me to change my mind on anything.

Im stubborn, and I have every right to be everyone has a right to be but I can be stubborn to a fault.

I look forward to the afterlife, its got to be better than this realm.  When it gets down to brass tacks all this place is filled with is hate, depression and unwelcomed pain. Who wants to live this way…oh and don’t try to blame this on my beliefs, I know just as many Christians who believe with me and would back me up as I do Wiccans and Satanists so this isn’t just one sided.

So, when I take my last breath I will be relaxed in knowing that ive made the choices that I needed to make for me and im comforted by that. 

I want to smoke…weed that is..

I want to smoke…weed that is..

Ive seen many articles about the legalization of marijuana, I have to say there are some very good points for both sides so I felt I would chime in.

If I lived in a different state I could get a card for it. I have fibromyalgia and its legalized for that use in California and possibly other states as well.  Now, ive never been a pothead but I have smoked it a few times when I was in my teens and while I stopped because it really wasn’t a big deal like everyone made it out to be, at this point to help me deal with my daily dose of pain I would smoke it if I had access.

Sure, if I wanted im sure I could get access but I also know that I need to be more responsible than that at this time. 

To live a pain free day without narcotics would be amazing. Of course im not even on narcotics anymore but if I could get back on them I would. I kind of miss them, not the side effects so much but the having something to help the pain.

When you think about it pot is safer than alcohol, especially in the long term, the same goes for narcotics.  The narcotics and alcohol cause liver damage,  make you feel pretty bad in the long run and in my opinion weed is not addictive.  

If I could smoke weed and be able to function, be more active and possibly even hold down some kind of job outside the home I would be all for it.

Think about it, if you were stuck to where your body controlled everything you do or don’t do you would get sick of it as well.  I soo much want to be able to start running again like I was or even be able to walk more than a few yards without pain…that would be simply amazing for me…

A happy place i miss

Today has been filled with happy thoughts and memories of the past.  This got me thinking about my old stomping grounds and of my favorite coffee house that used to be nestled in Springfield , Ohio.

It was called Strange Brew, an all vegan coffee house and restaurant. Their coffees were amazing, and ranged from regular coffee to a drink I loved which was called a White Rabbit. It was pretty much a white chocolate mocha with a shot of raspberry in it..it was amazing!!!

They carried everything from chili to Ruben sandwiches…everything completely vegan mind you.

On Friday nights it was open mic night, always great local artists in there. Saturdays was always a local college band. The whole place was based around the college aged person with local art hanging all over the walls from the students and even though it was based around the college population you would even find your local grandmother in there eating dinner or having a fresh made fruit juice with their grandchildren.

When you walked in the first thing you noticed was all of the Christmas lights hanging everywhere, the area with all the comfy couches and chairs and all the book shelves holding everything from childrens books, classics and even board games.

There was something for everyone.  My friends and I used to meet there after work, hang out and close the place on the weekends and even throughout the week sometimes.

Soo, whats my point to telling you of this place?? That’s simple.  We need more places like this. Sure, we have all of the commercial places and those are great. I never pass up Starbucks but its not the mom and pop places that you can hang out, see and meet local people, and just enjoy yourself.

Ive often had a dream of having my own place like this, a place others can call home. They could hang out enjoy the local talent and kick back with a great coffee and just relax away from commercialized society.

I can be such a dreamer at times…. 

Fun, relaxing day

Its supposed to be winter yet its 75 degrees outside. its been storming off and on the past few days and stormed earlier today.  i have no idea where the cold, snow and ice went.

On one hand i wish i could go out and have a snowball fight, build a snowman or just play with the dogs in the snow. Its always fun watching them try to catch snowballs.

On the other hand i took the dogs out a little bit ago and the air smells fresh and clean from the recent storms, theres a slight breeze and its just about perfect out there. The sound of the creek outback only made it nicer. It really is a beautiful day if there wasnt all the mud outside id probably take a walk.

So, its turning into evening and im going to watch House on TV, work on some knitting and just relax for this evening.

Tomorrow, or later tonight after a nap i plan on getting back to my book writing, im not doing all that bad on it right now since i seem to have a bit of a better direction going. i still want to aim for having it done by summer and published by christmas, we will see what happens.

Does anyone want to join me in this??

i did this a long time ago and life has changed so much that ive decided to to it again and ill share each days post on here. 

please feel free to join along, its always great learning about others and sharing life's experiences.

10 day project

Day 1: Ten things I want to say to ten different people right now.

Day 2: Nine things about myself.

Day 3: Eight ways to win my heart.

Day 4: Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

Day 5: Six things I wish I’d never done.

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

Day 7: Four turn-offs.

Day 8: Three turn-ons.

Day 9: Two images that describe my life right now, and why.

Day 10: One confession.

Wow, soo unproductive today

 i sat out with all intentions of getting stuff done again but have wound up mainly getting some things together that im wanting to sell and checking out some bands online that ive been told about.

So maybe its not a totally unproductive day as it may lead to some good articles later on in the week.

Heres something that frustrates me...i can look all day for things to write about that are happy and theres next to nothing...why is it no one wants to report on the happy things in life. As a whole things may not be the greatest but there is good in many things if you just take the time to look.

Heres an example... i have fibromyalgia and other physical issues preventing me from working  "normal" job. i could beat myself up over it as, sure funds get tight and my dogs have this habit of liking to eat and i like my smokes...but ive learned soo much about myself by being kept down somewhat that its amazing.  i have also grown a passion for writing of which i dont make anything off of it at this point but that doesnt mean i dont still enjoy it or wont at some point make something from it.

So, bottom line life IS what you make it, you can lay in the gutter and complain( which if im on the left side of the gutter im one happy girl ;-0) , or you can embrace what you have and be thankful for it.

Today is all about having fun?send me musicians

 My posts today will all be lighthearted and fun.

i plan on grooming the boys, and working on my sewing making them some new collar covers, bandannas and maybe some jammies.  Yes, i tend to go overboard where my dogs are concerned but they are like  my children.

i just got done cutting out most of the things i plan on making but have no intention of trying any of it on them until i get them bathed today, they dont look that bad but at the same time they are a bit past due for a washing.

NOTE*** im also going to start doing some music reviews so if you know of a up and coming musician, band or singer please send me a link to check them out. im open to EVERY type of music so ann is welcomed!!

Zombie, Rent and Fergie Oh my!!

 On any given day you will find me rocking out to something or singing my head off along with Broadway musicals. My musical tastes vary widely from Little Jimmy Dickens, with whom my grandfather sang with, to Marilyn Manson.

My music taste goes with my mood at the time. Its funny really, if im in a loving cuddly mood ill be listening to the 80's and if i feel like pulling my hair out or drowning out pain be it emotional or physical ill be listening to the hardest black metal i can find and loud enough to break my own ear drums.

The Broadway Music comes from my love of theater.  i cant say ive seen a musical ive not liked. Sure some i like more than others and my all time favorite if Phantom of the Opera but i love Cats, Rent and Hair just as much.  in ways you can call me odd, i still believe in these things made of paper called books...so for me the library is one of my most relaxing places to visit.  i tend to pick up plays there to bring home and watch if i cant find them online.  Or i do the point test. This is where i walk into the area where the musicals are and close my eyes let my finger land on one and thats what i get. i do that with books as well and amazingly ive found some of my favorite titles that way.

i have this issue with becoming stuck in a rut...i simply dont let it happen and that is one way to avoid it happening and its fun.

So the next time you go to the library, bookstore or even coffee shop and want something new to read or listen to try it. Just close your eyes reach out and let your finger touch a book, CD or DVD and the first one you touch you read, listen to or watch. You may be surprised at what you find.

Oh and i have even done that once on a ebook site that i frequently purchase from as well..

Give it a try..see what you discover.

Induced Lactation

 Induced lactation and ANR are things that are wonderful and can really bring a couple together if done right.

There is a lot involved and it is time consuming. Take for example me..at this time im not on my herbs for it which are Milk thistle, fenegreek and black cohosh. im considering going back on them but just have not taken that step yet.

Theres also the pumping. i have a pretty top of the line breast pump to use but its finding, or should i say making the time to use it the 4 to 6 times a day as needed to get anything started.  They say that the best results come from having a partner suckle instead of the pump but right now as the situation is i need to pump.

There are pros and cons to ANR with the pros being the closeness that it beings between the people involved, enlarged breast size( i sure cant complain on that one) and from my understanding it can reduce the risk of breast cancer somewhat. Being that im already at risk for breast cancer it almost seems smart for me to do this.

The cons are that it is time consuming, the herbs, the good quality ones arent cheap and if your trying to conceive it may be harder to do. Plus along with being time consuming it can take one months to actually get a milk supply in thats even worth the efforts.  so its is not by far an overnight thing.

Personally i love the whole idea of it, and am really sitting here thinking of getting everything out and starting the process again. They say that if youve had previous pregnancies its not as hard to start the flow of milk back up. However i didnt breast feed my children so i have no idea fi that will make a difference or not. i also in time think i want another child, but thats way off and since i cant take normal birth control this is an option of controlling it naturally, so its really a win win for me at this time.

There are some decent sites out there on ANR (Adult Nursing Relationships) and ive found that stargatelibraries.com seems to have the best information.

Another tip for anyone out there who wants to start this oatmeal is wonderful for helping it along as well. i will try and keep everyone updated on how it goes if i decide to start it back up which i more than likely will.

Just ask me anything

ive decided to do a blog/youtube video on questions about myself to start out with so that people can get to know me better.

So...ask me anything and i will answer it in my blog or video and send out the link to all

My curse

My curse

I was born with a nasty curse. Some may call it a gift but ive struggled with it since I can remember. Im an empath , everyone I come into contact with I feel their emotions and sometimes their physical pain. Im the person that can walk into a store and I get cornered by anyone who needs to talk. I cant count the times Ive went to buy groceries and get cornered my a little old lady who spills her guts out to me wearing my emotions down to mere nubs. Do I have “I can feel your feelings spill your guts” written on my forehead? Sometimes it seems that way.

I have friends who are empaths and they have learned to put their guard up to protect themselves, lucky them. Ive tried for years to build that wall that I can use at will then send it away but it just sits there in a pile, never guarding me when I need it. Tiger eyes for protection don’t work for me in this case as id like them to. Its not that I want to turn everyone away, I just want to manage it better and be open to receive peoples issues when I feel like it. I mean, come on, when im running into a store to grab milk and that’s it I don’t always have the time to listen to everyone’s issues, or to talk with the cashier about how crappy her boyfriend is..yes, ive heard it all.  Once I was even stuck in a situation where a lady was telling me about her son in rehab..i wanted to find coffee, don’t mess with a girl when shes not had her first cup of coffee, my light is off and I don’t remember much of what anyone says, especially strangers.

The thing is im compassionate, I like reaching out to others in need or letting them talk. It just drains me to the core when im not not prepared.

I enjoy happy people, they make life easier I don’t get as drained and I can feel their energy. I can be upset for some reason and if someone happy walks in my whole mood changes, it’s a wonderful thing in that case. 

So, bottom line I struggle with people at times just for this reason. Many don’t understand it and I don’t ask anyone to as its not their issue but just making others aware makes life a bit easier as sometimes those in the know find a way to guard themselves against me and that makes it so much better for all involved. 

The difference between dom and Master in my mind.

The difference between dom and Master in my mind.

Yes, im picking apart titles again.  Ive done sub and slave, and I have done this one but kept it private. So, its time to redo it as I really have a new view of things now. 

In my opinion a Dom is much like a sub..just read before you say WTF is she thinking… A Dom has control over another but unlike a Master Doesn’t know how to enforce that control in a way that will work for the long term. They tend to be control freaks and natural Mastery is not in their veins. Im not saying that’s always bad but they dream just as subs do at attaining things they don’t know how to reach. Im not saying they cant, but theres a difference between a natural Master and a Dom.  The Doms ive known have been able to dish out structure, pain, play, and all of that but maintaining it is a whole different story. When a natural slave is with a Dom the slave often gets left behind to struggle in a world not knowing why..messing up when they don’t feel they do and in fact ive discovered that if a slave took their issues to a natural Master they say the issue falls with the Dom, not always the slave. Im not saying slaves are faultless by any means as me being a slave I know ive messed up in the past but didn’t understand why until I starting picking things apart and analyzing the situation in bits and pieces.

A Master who was born a Master finds a way to get through anything thrown their way without just discarding issues as someone elses fault. They find out how their slave ticks and either works on wiring them in a healthier way or flat out says something isn’t acceptable and works with the slave on fixing the issue without just giving up. 

I took the time to look at wiki definitions and I have to say I don’t agree with a lot of it. I think a Dom is closer to a top. To me a Master isn’t really close to either with the exception that all of them top another but a top or dom is limited in their roles thru what their subs are willing to give up. Where as a Master isn’t limited by anything but their own minds. A Master who has earned the title is sane enough to realize that while their mind id the only thing that limits them they still don’t cross the line into doing any long term or permanent damage to their slave as they cherish and care for their property and a broken slave is of no use to a Master.

In my experience a Dom may figure out how im hardwired, may try and change my wiring but not back it up with anything but requests and empty punishments left undished out. They may desire a change but making it happen is another story and it doesn’t take long for them to throw up their arms and be frustrated or done.

A Master on the other hand figures out how im hardwired, and works with it using guidance that’s backed up with true consequences and lines I dare not cross. Working with these things until the desired outcome is realized and brought to light. Not giving up, losing tempers or getting overly frustrated as they know how to handle themselves. Never a pushover and creative in how they shape their slave, sometimes making the changes so subtle that the slave may not even realize a change is being made until its done. A very firm hand that being tested doesn’t need to be done as the slave just knows and does not push those things. A level of respect that they don’t command but have earned and you can tell by even being around them. 

Many Masters need a slave as a sub doesn’t always do, subs want to keep their control and many Masters want need and deserve being given all, not part.

I tend to also line up what I refer to as weekenders as Doms and subs as out of the weekend scene a Dom is often controlled by another be it in the workplace or at home as play is only behind doors and doesn’t extend to everyday life. Subs tend to want to control their things, finances, work how the house is ran. Im not saying one is better than the other in anything ive wrote as what one choses and is happy with if fine. To each their own, there is no right or wrong way to live as long as the person is happy in what they choose.

All of this is merely things ive observed over time and how I feel about it. Im not writing this to get flamed but I do have my extinguisher ready as im sure it will happen but I feel too passionate about this topic not to post.  

What a day

 Its been a long day, but its been a lot of fun. i spent time with family today. Theres a birthday in the house so we did the cake and ice cream thing and i took the dogs into town for a while and they got to play and run around outside. They had a blast. 

i discovered something else today. Since its St. Patricks day i always rely on my eyes to get me by on the green but i also have my slave tattoo thats green, even though i did wear my green scooby doo  shirt.  

im now back at home kicked back with a few beers and 2 worn out puppies sleeping beside me. If the night goes right ill be getting my nose pierced a little later on tonight, it needs redone and i have a volunteer to do it for me so all is good. i just want to get a buzz on first. 

Tomorrow will be the same as most sundays are for me... theres a NASCAR race on and i never miss them so ill spend my afternoon watching it and throwing back a few beers again. 

Not bad for a weekend in my opinion, the only thing that could make it better would be a stiff flogging and long fuck...or did i miss that up...nah, either way it works..take it as you want it to read. 

How much should i put out there in here?

i tend to think the opposite of mainstream and have started wondering just how much of my opinion should i really put out there.

im not here to piss everyone off, just give my thoughts on issues and articles i read.

Would i be going too far to post racial stuff?? im not a racist but i also think that some people take things too far due to thinking that because they are this or that ethnicity that they can get away with things.

i believe everyone should be held to the same standards no matter their skin color, background or upbringing.

Of course i also believe that the middle east should be bombed beyond recognition and  and taken over by the US so we can have the oil. Thats one way to drop fuel prices... and one way to stop part of the terrorists.

However our biggest threats are here at home anyway.  The bullies, politicians and even neighbors.

im not convinced hes dead...

Bin Laden that is..

i really think its a cover up, we have no proof he is actually dead and the government wont give us anything to truly believe them on. And the pictures of the all the politicians watching things go down...i really think its a farce.

This man terrorized our country and the sad thing is that Bush had the opportunity to take him down but was told not to.  Bush was told to let Obama take care of it...well i guess Obama does need brownie points with the citizens of this country after all.

Now i strongly believe if you dont vote you have no right to bitch about what our government does and i did not vote this past election but i did vote when Obama was elected and i still wonder did he get in on just the pity vote or what???

Bin Laden, Hussein and the rest of the worlds enemies who are said to be dead i really wonder about, i just dont think they are dead.

Whats scarier is the fact that in Ohio not all that far from where i reside is a city where a huge terrorist network operates out of and while they are being watched theres nothing being done to stop them.  Yet the crack house down the street gets busted on a regular basis on hunches...

Heres a hunch, this government needs to get off its ass and protect its citizens....

What if i dont want to press 1 for English????

  i live in the USA. i love it here, its a great country. ive been outside of it a few times and even with those brief visits see how lucky i am to live here.

However that does not mean that i dont get tired of having to press 1 for English, or dealing with people that dont speak the language of our land. In the other countries ive been in they dont cater to us so why do we cater to them.  There are parts of this country and even restaurants where they take foreign currency only...whats up with that?? i can see them taking it and doing the proper exchange if its in a tourist area but to only take foreign funds is just wrong. Oh and its been a few weeks since i read that article so if thats been changed and im not aware i apologize for my facts being off.

ive worked with immigrants and had no issue with it.. Why??? because they are going about it the right way. Not sneaking over on a blow up raft and trying to take this country for everything they can get. When they come over here, do the paperwork and try to become a citizen or have a work VISA thats fine with me. But what pisses me off is when they come over, have no intention of becoming a citizen and still end up with public assistance and getting more than the rightful american.  ive been on public assistance in the past and its not fun, but i didn't feel bad about it as i put in many years of working 2 full time jobs, paying my taxes and doing everything i could to support my family on my own. Sometimes people do need legitimate help and i see nothing wrong with it. However when someone who cant speak English, doesn't want to work, and has 10 kids wants to sit on their ass and collect a check there's an issue, american or not. im not talking out my ass here folks, ive witnessed this myself and it sickens me. 

So many people come over here and take the funds that our own country needs to support itself. We have a major poverty issue here. So many living under bridges, in boxes or in whatever nook they can seek for the night. Why arent we helping these people?? Many of them are victims of circumstance.

In a town just a little ways from me there is a single father right now who had a teen daughter. His wife, her mother passed away from cancer. They put so much money into her treatment that didnt work that he has now filed bankruptcy, lost their home and lives in their car.  On the rare night when the homeless shelter can take him in from the elements they cannot take his daughter, but luckily the lady there is nice enough that she lets the girl stay in the office part with her away from everyone else. The teenager is brilliant, a straight A student, a sports player and if you ask me one hell of a strong girl to hold up through losing her mother, home and everything she knew that was life and now be living like they are and keeping her grades up. But does anyone see this?? No, they dont care. But i bet if she was some immigrants child she would have been taken in somewhere, adopted and cared for.

i just get tired of seeing our own population suffer because others come from countries abroad and get the same rights as us. i say deport them all unless they are born with a social security number or are willing to learn English and pay taxes and earn their own way and can speak to me in my native language.

So the next time anyone sees me flipping off the phone its probably all because it asked me to press i for English...ill show them what the number 1 really is!!!

Old writing i found

i just ran across this, i think i wrote it back in January this year, it wasnt dated but it was way back in a folder. Please read it and give any feedback...

Btw all of this does not apply to who i feel anymore, but i found it interesting to read

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Im thinking dark right now, nothing looks right in my world and im trying to flip that around but until then I cant help but think about when I was younger, back when dirt had just been discovered…lol

My friends were all thinking about planning their weddings and we were only in high school, all while I wanted to become a veterinarian. I wanted to grow old in the country just me and my animals. No man, no marriage, none of that stuff that only leads to pain. My animals don’t hurt me, its humans that do and have. 

Hell, that plan got ruined when I was still in high school. I was stupid enough to get myself pregnant and have my life thrown down the drain. How I wish I had never let that happen to me. I was even given an out by my sons father.

After my mother trying to put him in jail I decided this girl would never be married.

That was until I was with my ex, then I looked at it almost different until I was hit by the bus that destroyed us.

My mother is on her 4^th marriage and my father on his 5^th. If their pattern means anything it means im not cut out for marriage. I can do commitment, relationships, living together, even collaring but marriage. I would rather just sign POAs and change my name and not have the legalities. Am I a fool???

To me a collar is the same as marriage and that not only sounds confusing but it is confusing to me right now. So confusing that I am afraid to put some words out there as I will only put my foot in my mouth and I don’t want to do that at this point.

I think I just have a lot of fear and confusion setting in for some reason and I cant make sense of it. I want to scream out to the world that I am who I am and if you don’t like it go fuck yourself. I wont do that of course but its on the tip of my tongue and im biting it hard right now.  Im trying to keep my composure and its not easy. No one understands how I feel or what I think right now. And I know what I need right now and its not happening right now and I know that. What is it I need. Literally I need someone to let me physically fight with me until I lose, and bend me to thinking in the right path that I used to be on mentally. Im beyond needing a whip used on me although it would help but it wouldn’t get me to bend like I need to right now. It’s the only way I can think of to get my anger out, a tree doesn’t help, it just stands there, I need a challenge that a tree cant give, been there, tried that, failed.

I have to get over my frustrations; they are not helping me right now. In fact they are only making things worse. I know whats in my head but I dare not put it out into the world yet as I have a feeling it will not be a good thing for me to do.

I try to be a quiet low maintenance slave but I realize at times im just the opposite and right now is one of those times and its hard being alone right now. I am lonely but its no ones fault, its just how it is and I cant help it. Things will eventually change and I know this but in the meantime I have to learn to function on my own. But how??? I let myself become too dependent on others I don’t know how to function on my own…im just confused as fuck…

my vices

I commented on a thread that has me thinking about my vices.  The more I think about it the more I discover but my biggest one is pain.  Yes, im a masochist and proud of it. The more pain the better I feel, and to be reduced to a puddle of tears is the best release of all and I cant do that without the pain first.

The types of pain I enjoy range from a simple bare handed spanking  and paddles to the more extreme bullwhips and needles.  I don’t know why I am how I am and I have given up on figuring it out and analyzing it. I simply accept it now as being a strong part of who I am.

Tonight im sitting here checking out videos online and reading about hook suspension and things of the such and it’s a mental rush even thinking about it.  I know how good it feels and where it puts me mentally . I cannot deny this part of me, nor would I try to as the urge is too strong. Even when I don’t have someone around to dish out the pain I tend to take care of it myself if the need gets too bad.  Some would think im messed up in the head and that im some psycho cutter at times but carving symbols on myself, seeing the blood and feeling the sting makes me happy.

I have other vices which range from World of Warcraft to sex. Both serve different purposes depending on my mood, surroundings and whats available at the time.

While I spend a lot of my time writing I usually finish one piece of writing then play WoW for a while then go back to writing. Its my break, stress release and even a coping technique. Nothing feels better between writing in my book or working on my blog than going and killing goblins to regroup my thoughts before working on or finishing a project.

The vice of sex is an obvious one, many have no idea how bad it is, especially right now when theres no way to get any release. At this point I would settle for cuddles. Just physical touch in general is huge for me and being that im living in almost seclusion right now that part of me is poorly suffering and theres not a damned thing I can do about it. But that’s okay, as I am picky about who im with so id rather be picky and enjoy myself than choose just anyone and have a bad experience, ive had enough of those for a lifetime and I don’t want any repeats.

Other than these I just have the general ones such as biting my nails, smoking  and in a way even writing as I write about everything anymore. And if its not going in my book its going in my blog. 

St. Patrick's Day

What are you doing for St. Patricks Day?

Do you still make sure to wear green even if your an adult now?

Do you make green meals or drink green beer?

i like doing all of these things. im part Irish and have the red hair and green eyes. This picture is me in my natural state, of course right now my hair isnt that color but its supposed to be and will be again soon.

i used to make my kids dinner on this day that consisted of chicken, mashed potatoes( colored green), green beans and biscuits( colored green) lime jello and green colored milk. It was always fun to make and make. The family got a kick out of it.

i always wear green, i cant avoid it, my eyes are green so thats always my green, if i dont wear something else green.

im not a big drinker and i dont color my beer green but i will probably have a few beers in the evening and see if i can find the Leprechaun movies on. syfi channel.

The sad thing is that i know im part Irish yet i have never dug into that part of my heritage, maybe i should that and see what i can find out...

Rock on!!! Lets play golf

http://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_c2#/video/bestoftv/2012/03/16/rosie-odonnell-only-in-america.cnn

This clip was cute if you can get past Rosie being in it. im NOT a fan of her at all, personally i find her to be a smart ass. i didnt even know she was doing news anymore...i really thought she had retired, and it would be best if she did.

On the note of this clip..i so need to go to Vegas...im not even a big KISS fan but miniature golf by what looks like black light with evil clowns..Now thats my kind of golf.  And who cares if they are doing it for the money which Rosie states they are, its still totally awesome.  Who doesnt like playing miniature golf, and in Vegas where im sure its close to a casino, shows and world famous sights.

Of course the biggest KISS gift shop on earth would be awesome to see as well.

i think i need to find some pennies to save for a trip out there...anyone want to join me???

Mother giving her children heroin..WTF????

http://www.10tv.com/content/stories/2012/03/16/logan-mother-accused-of-giving-children-herion-faces-new-charges.html

i ran across this today and its kind of baffled me. On one hand its very wrong to be shooting your kids up with heroin but on the other hand the children are old enough to know whats going on and let her do this to them 50+ times.

Yes, i agree either way the children need removed as clearly they are in the wrong environment but if its all they know they will go back to it.

Think about it. If you were a teen and your mom was giving you drugs and it was numbing the pain of social inadequacies that teens face now a days wouldnt you consider it?? Obviously from the looks of it it leads one to believe that it was the norm in that home so the children even if being taught differently in school felt it was okay to take drugs as it was fine in their home life.

This is a very sad case and the articles on it ive found are very vague which i have no doubt its because minors are involved but it would be nice to know a little more about the entire situation.

Urgent care visit..what fun

So, tonight i ended up in urgent care for an allergic reaction again.  Back in December i had to go to the ER after i dyed my hair black from its natural red. i was hoping it was just the brand i had used and i hadn't touched it up since then. In December it got really bad and didn't completely clear up until February.

i ended up biting the bullet and had my niece do it for me and i even purchased a better brand. She was soo careful not to touch my scalp with the dye but during rinsing it out it still got on the scalp enough and the rest of my body as i rinsed it in the shower. So i woke up today all broken out and itchy.

Last time i waited a few weeks before doing anything about it and it got really really bad. This time i didn't give it that chance. so i went tonight to head some of it off in hopes it wont get as bad. The doctor said my niece did a very good job at keeping the dye off my scalp, which i knew as she put a lot of time and care into it. Nonetheless i still broke out but this time its my entire body, not just my ears and scalp.

Never again will i dye my hair!!! ive decided im going to let it grow out no matter how bad it gets to looking as i can cut off the black as it grows but i am not going through this again.

i used to keep my hair black all the time when i was around 20 but after i had my daughter i turned allergic to hair dye and cinnamon extract.  So now i cant even have the hot gummy bears i like, which sucks. i do still have one or two every 6 months or so but that's it now.

When i go through things like this i get all sappy and needy even if im not technically sick. So while filling my prescriptions i picked up some care bear gummies and came home and munched on them while i colored online for a while.  ive taken my meds already, now its just waiting for them to work. But, at least this round it shouldn't get as bad since i took care of it so fast.

Whats up for your weekend?

 This weekend is the Bristol NASCAR race on Sunday, which i will watch. i try not to miss any of the races.

Other than that i dont have much in the way of plans for the weekend. ill continue my work on my book. ive been putting a lot of hours into writing lately and i have to say im loving it. ive came to a lot of realizations that way, and its all been good.

Heres a few more snippets about me. im basically a geek, or geekette as ive been called.  i love spending time playing World of Warcraft when im not writing. i also enjoy coloring, collecting My Little Ponys and stuffed animals. im a sap for animals and would rescue them all if i could.

Its weird how much my life has slowed down. i have came to the conclusion that the reason i was so stressed out and out of sorts for so long, but we never sat still. We were always on the go doing something, anything from camping to parties and it was draining. i find that even though my life now is far from perfect its quiet, calm and relaxing. Being able to write whenever i need to and being in good spirits is nice.

So, its going to be another uneventful weekend of writing, races and games, possibly even some sewing if i get to it.

So, what are your plans??? Please share??

But dogs have to be....

 Whats wrong with the state, if you dont already know im in the state of Ohio, in the south eastern part of the state right now.  But heres what baffles me, now im an animal lover and believe its good for people to own pets. What i dont agree on is letting cats run loose, destroying other peoples things and breeding like rabbits.
 
  Now, if your in the country it can be different as its always nice to have an outside cat to kill mice and kept pests under control but i feel cats should have to be licensed just like dogs.

  As it is in Ohio cats are one step away from being considered a wild animal so there for most shelters dont get funding for cat care.  This means more cats running loose.

If Ohio would mandate cat tags it would mean funding for the shelters, owners being held responsible for any damage their cats cause and last but not least the possibility of thinning out the cat population.  Now, by thinning it out i dont mean by them being put down in shelters but when someone knows they are responsible for what their pet does then they tend to get their pet spayed or neutered which will naturally bring down the population.

 i have an ex who thought there should be a time for open season on cats..now cats are not my favorite of animals but i do not believe that would be appropriate either.  In fact thats animal abuse in my eyes and while a land/home owner should have the right to protect their property there are humane ways to deal with the issue of cats, groundhogs and even moles.

ive owned many cats over the years and i always had them fixed and they lived in the house. Never did they go outside with the exception of one who always was outside waiting on me to get home from work every night. And that didnt end happily as she ended up getting hit by a car so never again will any cat of mine go outside, its just not acceptable.

 So the next time anyone sees a crushed cat in the road, think of it this way, if it had been wearing a tag and its owner was actually responsible it wouldn't be there and wouldn't be lunch for the next buzzard that comes along.

Wow, i love global warming

  Wow, does anyone else ever get sick of hearing "its all because of global warming??"

People would rather drive their little Eco friendly cars and be smashed by a truck or or have their car collapse like an accordion in an accident than spend a little more on an SUV and be safe.

Hmm, let me think...my kids are in the car do i want them to live or die if a crash happens.... thats a no brainer.

i get tired of hearing about leaving a carbon foot print behind because i like hairspray, big trucks and i dont recycle.

Heres the thing peeps, global warming does exist...but we humans are not the cause...open your eyes. if we were the cause then how did the earth come out of the ice age. This planet naturally goes through phases of renewal, its how it takes care of itself and its not going to stop.

So the next time i see a commercial of a polar bear cub floating on an iceberg and humans asking for money to save this poor poor creature...this is what i have to say... i dont want that innocent guy to die either but until you stop blaming all of this on humans and  stop trying to bleed us dry just to fill your pockets while our government crumbles all because of pure incompetence why dont you feed our homeless first.  Its called taking care of your own. im an animal lover, and ive been known to rescue animals but animals and animals and they have better survival techniques than most humans..

Sorry if this was kind of a rambling but its such a  wide and passionate topic for me that i tend to jump around with my thoughts.

Dont breathe

Dont you just love all the warnings out there that if you do this or that youll end up with cancer?

Well today i read something about as peoples rice intake goes up so does cancer risks...

im not saying you shouldnt try to live a healthy live but if you go by everything that you read we would be reduced to water and vegetables only. Not that thats a bad thing per say but im too much of a meat eater. id rather have steak than broccoli any day.

you cant even walk out your door without cancer risks. Theres the sun, air, pollution. Oh and dont even get me going on global warming, that will be another post and one that will be more of a rant...

Back on topic. i dont know about the rest of the world but personally i want to die happy,not avoiding everything in sight and living in fear.

Oh, and theres second hand smoke. Now dont get me wrong, i do smoke. However i dont smoke around children unless its outside and i dont smoke indoors unless its a home without children living in it and others smoke in it as well. Basically its called common courtesy. i may be slowly killing myself but i dont want my habit to cause issues in others, especially in children.

i get the live a healthy life part but you have to be completely anal in order to keep up and even follow half the stuff. im not saying people are wrong by trying to be healthy but id rather have fun. Honestly ive even been told that breast play could cause my cystic breast disease to get worse...

Who has time anymore to try and avoid all of these things...i just say live your life, be happy and dont follow everything you read.

Follow me on Twitter

If you like what youve read so far follow me on Twitter where i will be sending regular updates with each post.

https://twitter.com/#!/crystalredroze

i also tend to tweet throughout the day about random things going on like spilling my coffee in my lap, tripping over my own feet and other ungraceful antics i tend to get myself into.

Believe me...i can be a trip some days...

Geesh..who was i back then??

No ones life is perfect and mine is no exception but i learned something to day while i was cleaning out my twitter account. i was down right miserable for the past 4 years.

Sure i have my problems with my health, mainly physical stuff but what i got rid of on my twitter page was lots of complaints about how my life was. i guess its true that hindsight is 20/20 because now i wonder why no one smacked me over the head to wake me up or just tell me to stop bitching about everything.

Life is what you make it and i was letting myself make me a miserable person to be around. i did have a lot of stresses in my life but thats no excuse. Even now i could say my life is the worst its ever been, but i wont. Sure, im an unowned slave at this point and that causes me to get frustrated and lose my path but im alive, i have friends and family that loves me and even if that fails i have the unconditional love of my dogs, thats something that will NEVER be taken from me.

i think back then i was so busy with doctors, meds, and new diagnoses that always failed that maybe i was just purely frustrated. Now i know what i need to, i dont take the meds, so my head is clear and i havent seen a doctor in a few months.  Its scary what that combination did to my head. Heck one of my fibromyalgia medications caused to to almost get diagnosed as being Bi-polar...then once i went off the med and showed them who i really was they changed that idea rather quickly..

i hate taking meds, even over the counter ones i dont like taking unless i need to, which admittedly on most days i do need tylenol to keep my body moving but hey, that beats narcotics any day.

Maybe my crankiness was the constant pressure to stop smoking...sorry, i smoke..cigs only but i enjoy it. i dont want to give it up. Heres my theory, you have to die from something, for me it will either be breast cancer or lung cancer at this point, but either way, if i have my cigs and regular breast play ill still die happy right!!!!

Any whoo Life is what you make it and im not making mine miserable again...so now im dancing off with happy thoughts in my head and a bounce in my step!!

Average day with fibro for me

 Its been one of those days with no title to it so far. For once i slept last night which is good, i dont always do that anymore. However, i realize its what my body needs to function.

i cant think of the last time i had a day without pain. i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about 3 years ago after i was injured at work. Due to that injury, which i still have and the now fibro i tend to have days where im not very functional. i miss being able to work but i know that if i were to go back to work my body couldnt handle it.

Fibro is an evil disease! Some days are better than others, however i have my share of days where im rendered useless. They say its overactive nerves but its many other things with it such as insomnia and depression. The depression part baffles me...Yes i do have the depression part but who wouldn't that has to deal with some form of pain on a daily basis. Theres also IBS and migraines that come with it so i have a bundle of fun everyday.

i have many things that trigger my flair ups as well. Artificial sweeteners are a big one so i stay away from them. If i even so much as have a can of diet pop i know ill end up in bed from it for a day or two.

Luckily a few years ago i was discussing all of this with a nutritionist who specialized in vitamins and who they work in the body. He told me to start taking 3 times the normal amount of vitamin D and double the amount of calcium along with B-complex. Its amazing how these have helped me out. Granted im not back to who i used to be but im more tolerable now and for the time being im off of prescription medications. i do see myself going back on the prescription meds however as just a need be type of basis as i have too many days in pain the past few months.

Some of it has been brought on by stress and i know that, but much of it is just my body. After all i do have 6 herniated discs in my back and degenerative disc disease as well.

Many of you who are reading this know about this blog from the links on my fetlife, or collarme page so i think im safe here to tell you what the true treatment that works for my pain really is. Its a good deal of pain from flogging, whipping or even needles. Anything to get my endorphins going is what helps the most. ive went a few months without access to such things and my body can tell. i have a ton of stress built up in my muscles and it i can get that out ill be golden again.

i find it amazing how pain can relieve pain, yes im a masochist and have been called a "painslut from hell" and it was an endearing term...its amazing how much of a complement that was for me to receive. For someone to understand what makes me tick is just amazing as with me being a slave many have no clue how my mind of body actually works so when someone gets me i love it.

So, does anyone else out there have any tips or tricks to help you with your fibromyalgia besides prescription drugs?? im constantly researching the topic and trying to learn new things to try and if you give me an idea ill try it and share the results.

If i died tomorrow

This article http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/28/my-faith-what-people-talk-about-before-they-die/ got me thinking. What would i say if i were to be on my deathbed tomorrow?

i believe in reincarnation so at this point of my life id be pretty screwed and damned to be a tree, in my theory that's the worst punishment one can get. To have to stand in one place for hundreds of years, having to stand through anything the atmosphere throws at you and not being able to defend yourself against it.

i already know that i would have very few there with me, i wouldn't want people there i cant think of one person who i would want there with me, i wouldn't want a Chaplin and maybe there is a friend or two that i may be okay with being there for me to tell them good bye but i would want nothing drug out.

Those i would want there are not human, silly enough id want my dogs. They have been to hell and back with me and never left my side. They are the only ones who have shown me any loyalty in this life. They are the only ones i would feel guilty for leaving, they need me as i need them. i dont know that anyone could care for them as i do and that scares me.

i dont have much i would want to say to anyone, maybe apologize to a few people, but then again deathbed apologies are empty thoughts. i have many that i dont talk to and would request they NOT be let around me, i dont care if they are family, i washed my hands of them years ago and since they are not in my life why would i want them during my death.

Many dont realize this and i dont talk about it a lot but i have cystic breast disease. There is a possibility of me ending up with breast cancer in the future because of it and the thing is, im okay with that.  No, im not suicidal, but sometimes this lifetime has given me enough to just want it over. Thats why i will not ever seek treatment if i do get cancer. ive watched too many suffer because of the treatments and not live...that is not how i will spend my ending days.

im not afraid of death, in fact its almost a welcoming thought. Being able to start over and create a new existence and build a better life.

just about me!!

i havent been posting a lot the past few weeks but thats because i havent seen anything worthy of writing about. its the same today but im still going to write.

This is going to be a bit more of a personal post as i dont have a clear topic right now.

Heres some information about me..Who am i? im a Satanist, a writer, an animal lover but first and foremost im a slave. Yes that thing that no one ever wants to discuss but i dont mind. For me its like hiding in the closet if i didnt discuss it and i wouldnt be who i am or have the same beliefs if i was hiding who i am.

i didnt even vote in this past election, ive never missed an election since i turned 18. ive came to the point where i believe as a slave that while maybe my vote matters that without having a Master to tell me how to vote now that i will forgo voting until im owned again. Go ahead tell me how messed up i am, its not the first time ive heard it. The thing is i dont really care.

Oh and being unowned sucks, ive lost my capability of being...just being..im staying with family until something else is figured out and no offense to them but they are vanilla...hence i have no structure, i pretty much do what i want. Which was cool at first but now ive lost sight of so many things its crazy.

Things will be changing soon as i have faith in the universe, but wont change is who i am..