i just ran across this, i think i wrote it back in January this year, it wasnt dated but it was way back in a folder. Please read it and give any feedback...
Btw all of this does not apply to who i feel anymore, but i found it interesting to read
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Im thinking dark right now, nothing looks right in my world
and im trying to flip that around but until then I cant help but think about
when I was younger, back when dirt had just been discovered…lol
My friends were all thinking about planning their weddings
and we were only in high school, all while I wanted to become a veterinarian. I
wanted to grow old in the country just me and my animals. No man, no marriage,
none of that stuff that only leads to pain. My animals don’t hurt me, its
humans that do and have.
Hell, that plan got ruined when I was still in high school.
I was stupid enough to get myself pregnant and have my life thrown down the
drain. How I wish I had never let that happen to me. I was even given an out by
my sons father.
After my mother trying to put him in jail I decided this
girl would never be married.
That was until I was with my ex, then I looked at it almost
different until I was hit by the bus that destroyed us.
My mother is on her 4th marriage and my father on
his 5th. If their pattern means anything it means im not cut out for
marriage. I can do commitment, relationships, living together, even collaring
but marriage. I would rather just sign POAs and change my name and not have the
legalities. Am I a fool???
To me a collar is the same as marriage and that not only
sounds confusing but it is confusing to me right now. So confusing that I am
afraid to put some words out there as I will only put my foot in my mouth and I
don’t want to do that at this point.
I think I just have a lot of fear and confusion setting in
for some reason and I cant make sense of it. I want to scream out to the world
that I am who I am and if you don’t like it go fuck yourself. I wont do that of
course but its on the tip of my tongue and im biting it hard right now. Im trying to keep my composure and its not
easy. No one understands how I feel or what I think right now. And I know what
I need right now and its not happening right now and I know that. What is it I
need. Literally I need someone to let me physically fight with me until I lose,
and bend me to thinking in the right path that I used to be on mentally. Im
beyond needing a whip used on me although it would help but it wouldn’t get me
to bend like I need to right now. It’s the only way I can think of to get my
anger out, a tree doesn’t help, it just stands there, I need a challenge that a
tree cant give, been there, tried that, failed.
I have to get over my frustrations; they are not helping me right
now. In fact they are only making things worse. I know whats in my head but I
dare not put it out into the world yet as I have a feeling it will not be a
good thing for me to do.
I try to be a quiet low maintenance slave but I realize at
times im just the opposite and right now is one of those times and its hard
being alone right now. I am lonely but its no ones fault, its just how it is
and I cant help it. Things will eventually change and I know this but in the
meantime I have to learn to function on my own. But how??? I let myself become
too dependent on others I don’t know how to function on my own…im just confused
as fuck…
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