my vices

I commented on a thread that has me thinking about my vices.  The more I think about it the more I discover but my biggest one is pain.  Yes, im a masochist and proud of it. The more pain the better I feel, and to be reduced to a puddle of tears is the best release of all and I cant do that without the pain first.

The types of pain I enjoy range from a simple bare handed spanking  and paddles to the more extreme bullwhips and needles.  I don’t know why I am how I am and I have given up on figuring it out and analyzing it. I simply accept it now as being a strong part of who I am.

Tonight im sitting here checking out videos online and reading about hook suspension and things of the such and it’s a mental rush even thinking about it.  I know how good it feels and where it puts me mentally . I cannot deny this part of me, nor would I try to as the urge is too strong. Even when I don’t have someone around to dish out the pain I tend to take care of it myself if the need gets too bad.  Some would think im messed up in the head and that im some psycho cutter at times but carving symbols on myself, seeing the blood and feeling the sting makes me happy.

I have other vices which range from World of Warcraft to sex. Both serve different purposes depending on my mood, surroundings and whats available at the time.

While I spend a lot of my time writing I usually finish one piece of writing then play WoW for a while then go back to writing. Its my break, stress release and even a coping technique. Nothing feels better between writing in my book or working on my blog than going and killing goblins to regroup my thoughts before working on or finishing a project.

The vice of sex is an obvious one, many have no idea how bad it is, especially right now when theres no way to get any release. At this point I would settle for cuddles. Just physical touch in general is huge for me and being that im living in almost seclusion right now that part of me is poorly suffering and theres not a damned thing I can do about it. But that’s okay, as I am picky about who im with so id rather be picky and enjoy myself than choose just anyone and have a bad experience, ive had enough of those for a lifetime and I don’t want any repeats.

Other than these I just have the general ones such as biting my nails, smoking  and in a way even writing as I write about everything anymore. And if its not going in my book its going in my blog.