Blackness surrounds me

I wrote this about 6 months ago and just found it. i hope you enjoy it!!


its all darkness inside of me
it takes over my being making me numb
inside im screaming but no one can hear it
could anyone handle what i have to say, what i need to say
i stifle my feelings and thoughts to keep everyone happy
afraid to rock the boat

life is good
i dont want that to change
but it will if i release this little detail turning inside of me
but is this real or just a dream
maybe im imagining it
in time will it go away?

Scary realization

 Geesh, its almost 5:30 am, ive been up all night and i was looking through some of those funny pics on facebook and i realized something....

After being kicked out 5 months ago why the hell am i still crying over it. After all i spent the last 6 months at least of the relationship drinking every chance i got, taking xanax like they were candy just to tolerate life there and yes, even smoking...

i even remembering telling a friend i thought it was about over with us months before i moved and was trying to figure out how i could find a roomate so i could get the hell out of there and keep my dogs.

My biggest mistake...giving him 90% of my insurance settlement i sure could use that money now and after all of those years all i got was enough to make it on for about a month after i bought everything i needed to be able to move in the first damn place.

 i now realize that im soo much better off, and no this isnt a i hate him  or i love and miss him post, this is a post saying that i should have had my eyes more open as i did see it coming and even had started planning it before it even started to fall apart...

i simply should have stuck to my first instinct and moved way before all the drama, then it would have been soo much easier on everyone and maybe i would still have some of my friends left that i miss so much.

The difference between a Dom and Master in my mind

Yes, im picking apart titles again. Ive done sub and slave, and I have done this one but kept it private. So, its time to redo it as I really have a new view of things now.
In my opinion a Dom is much like a sub..just read before you say WTF is she thinking… A Dom has control over another but unlike a Master Doesn’t know how to enforce that control in a way that will work for the long term. They tend to be control freaks and natural Mastery is not in their veins. Im not saying that’s always bad but they dream just as subs do at attaining things they don’t know how to reach. Im not saying they cant, but theres a difference between a natural Master and a Dom. The Doms ive known have been able to dish out structure, pain, play, and all of that but maintaining it is a whole different story. When a natural slave is with a Dom the slave often gets left behind to struggle in a world not knowing why..messing up when they don’t feel they do and in fact ive discovered that if a slave took their issues to a natural Master they say the issue falls with the Dom, not always the slave. Im not saying slaves are faultless by any means as me being a slave I know ive messed up in the past but didn’t understand why until I starting picking things apart and analyzing the situation in bits and pieces.
A Master who was born a Master finds a way to get through anything thrown their way without just discarding issues as someone elses fault. They find out how their slave ticks and either works on wiring them in a healthier way or flat out says something isn’t acceptable and works with the slave on fixing the issue without just giving up.
I took the time to look at wiki definitions and I have to say I don’t agree with a lot of it. I think a Dom is closer to a top. To me a Master isn’t really close to either with the exception that all of them top another but a top or dom is limited in their roles thru what their subs are willing to give up. Where as a Master isn’t limited by anything but their own minds. A Master who has earned the title is sane enough to realize that while their mind id the only thing that limits them they still don’t cross the line into doing any long term or permanent damage to their slave as they cherish and care for their property and a broken slave is of no use to a Master.
In my experience a Dom may figure out how im hardwired, may try and change my wiring but not back it up with anything but requests and empty punishments left undished out. They may desire a change but making it happen is another story and it doesn’t take long for them to throw up their arms and be frustrated or done.
A Master on the other hand figures out how im hardwired, and works with it using guidance that’s backed up with true consequences and lines I dare not cross. Working with these things until the desired outcome is realized and brought to light. Not giving up, losing tempers or getting overly frustrated as they know how to handle themselves. Never a pushover and creative in how they shape their slave, sometimes making the changes so subtle that the slave may not even realize a change is being made until its done. A very firm hand that being tested doesn’t need to be done as the slave just knows and does not push those things. A level of respect that they don’t command but have earned and you can tell by even being around them.
Many Masters need a slave as a sub doesn’t always do, subs want to keep their control and many Masters want need and deserve being given all, not part.
I tend to also line up what I refer to as weekenders as Doms and subs as out of the weekend scene a Dom is often controlled by another be it in the workplace or at home as play is only behind doors and doesn’t extend to everyday life. Subs tend to want to control their things, finances, work how the house is ran. Im not saying one is better than the other in anything ive wrote as what one choses and is happy with if fine. To each their own, there is no right or wrong way to live as long as the person is happy in what they choose.
All of this is merely things ive observed over time and how I feel about it. Im not writing this to get flamed but I do have my extinguisher ready as im sure it will happen but I feel too passionate about this topic not to post.

My fight with Agoraphobia

   This is something i dont often open up about but i suffer from agoraphobia, meaning that i dont like to be around crowds and at times cant even stand to go out the door.

  A few years ago i went for 6 months without going anywhere alone as i just couldnt, even to run to the store or go to a doctors appointment was too much for me to do alone. No one understood and its hard to explain to people that often times i want to go do something but i just cant. Take for example going to a movie, i love movies...but i dont like going to theaters much as there are always too many people and when the lights go out i cant see them well and i dont feel safe.

 Back when i was with my ex i could tolerate things like that sometimes if he pushed me to do it but he was always there to help me through and now i dont have that. Thats just one more reason that i do need someone, preferable a Master type in my life to help guide me in these things. Even if i were hanging out with someone vanilla and they knew my issue and would help push me that would work too. i just dont go do things with lots of people around on my own.

It takes more than just the average person to handle me and i know this, thats what makes life so complicated for me as i hate to be alone yet i cant imagine being with someone either...its hard to explain as i want someone in my life but i also have fears of it as well.  Not to mention that they need to accept that i do have dogs and they are non negotiable and i wont get rid of them for anyone, nor should i be expected to.

Its hard to explain agoraphobia and unless you deal with it you may not understand. Take for example going out to dinner, i may want to go but if i get there, providing you can get me there in the first place, im more than likely going to have at the least an anxiety attack, if not completely meltdown and have to leave.

Its not fun to deal with and ive been dealing with this for years but the worst part is going to the store. Im an empath so people tend to be drawn to me and all i want is to be invisible. i dont want to hear others issues when all i need to do is grab milk or shampoo, all i want is to get my stuff and get out but that rarely happens, especially if im alone. And it drains me as i may not only be getting my energy drained by these vampires but im also more than likely on the verge on if not having an anxiety attack if i cant get away from them fast enough.

Now, dont take this as im rude to people as i do my best not to be but i also do tend to go out of my way to avoid people as well if i sense im going to be drained.

It can make life complicated at times but i handle it day by day...

Deciding on if i should finish my book???

My book has been in the works for a while and even though im about half way through im really contemplating not finishing it.The reason being is that a lot of thing i want to write about on here i hold back from as i try to decide what i want to disclose now and what i want published in the book.

There are quite a few things that i could blog about already if i stopped writing in what im working on. Maybe i should just change the topic some...that way i dont lose everything ive done yet i could share more in here.

i try to be an open book about my life and i dont care for the feeling of holding back in this blog.

i know im unique in my beliefs and ways and im stifling myself, its driving me crazy.

Basically my book is about my life story  from childhood on up til the end of last year

i just cant decide what i want to do yet....

I was silly as a child

i realize not all of my posts are upbeat and fun filled soo here you all go.

This is a childhood memory of mine when i was around 6 or 7 i think.  It was around Christmas and we were all piling into my parents car.

i had a pretty active imagination back then as compared to now and i had many many invisible friends and pets during my childhood.

Anyway, my siblings and myself got in the car, along with mom. Dad got in last and i started crying, it took them a few minutes to calm me down enough to get me to explain that dad had forgotten to hook Rudolf to the bumper and that we couldnt go ANYWHERE without him pulling the car.

To this day my family still tells this story and laughs at my expense...but i was just a kid and after all that night we were on our way to see a live nativity scene and do some Christmas shopping.

Sometimes i miss being a kid, enjoying the holidays and such...but i still act like a kid so that has to count for something right????

i love some gifts...

 You have to laugh at some things in life. i had one of those moments yesterday, between the nauseous feeling and the shock.

 i was doing dishes and heard Murphy, my shi-poo walk up beside me, then i felt something hit my foot then his nose touch my leg. He taps me on the leg with his nose when he wants my attention. Well, i looked down and seen a little dead furry thing on my foot, i freaked out and kicked it off my foot. i somewhat praised him between freaking out and heading outside to get someone to pick it up. Yes, im one of those gals that i need someone to kill spiders, bugs and get rid of dead furry things for me. i cant help it. i had thought it was a mouse but i was informed that it was a mole. \Either was i wasnt thrilled but Murphy thought he had done a wonderful job and brought mommy a present and hes right in his own doggie mind sorta way. He did give me a gift he was proud of.

Now this fits me in a way as i was talking to a friend earlier and i was telling him that im not materialistic at all. In fact i once had someone in my life that thought if i was depressed and he bought me a new sewing machine or laptop id be happy. Now i do enjoy the things he gave me but they didnt make me happier. Im fact i would ahve been just as happy if not happier had it been a coloring book and crayons or even some yarn to knit with. Expensive things just dont impress me, now dont get me wrong when i purchase something i like to purchase the best i can get but gift wise its not about the money at all, it really is about the thought.

In fact if someone is trying to cheer me up and they do something as simple as bringing me Starbucks or even just sitting and watching cartoons with me even makes me happy. im a simple person, its just who i am and i like it that way.

However i must note that i would have prefered that Murphy bring me a coloring book next time versus dropping a dead creature on my foot...but i still love him as i know he was doing what his instincts told him to do.

Video of Zoe

 i took some vidoes of Zoe playing tonight, you can view them here Zoes first video  http://youtu.be/RQHOG9FIRSc there will be many more to come

not too bad of a day

Today has been pretty good. i made all of the appointments i needed to make, got a few other things done and even took my vitamins and meds...

Its time for me to pull my head out of my ass stop sulking and come back to life. i had taken myself off of all my meds only to prove to myself that i need them both for physical and mental issues. The mental issues mainly being my anxiety attacks.

i feel more hopeful today and have a renewed sense of energy and i feel better about things. i think im about to make a jump with my life thats going to change things around and im rather excited about it.

While im going to start doing yoga again, i think that after doing yoga for a few weeks im going to try and start running again. i miss working out and i definitely need to lose weight so this will just go hand in hand.  Going back on my protein shakes and diet pills will help as well. Of course i dont plan on staying on the diet pills forever but just for a month or so to give me a jump start on my weight loss.

i am in quite a bit of pain again today and i hope it levels out soon as sometimes the cramps in my back are almost untollerable and they make it hard to breathe.

Well, im going to end this one for now, i think im going to work on my knitting as i decided a few days ago to make myself a blanket. Since i started knitting everything ive made has been for everyone but me so im going to make me something for a change.

Recent trials and tribulations

This is weird, its only going on 2  am and im exhausted. For at least the past week ive seen daylight before i could fall to sleep. This is a very good thing as i need to get my sleep schedule back on half way normal hours.

i think its been a combination of feeling completely lost and totally out of control that has caused this...however i see those days coming to an end. im on the verge of making a huge decision, or well ive pretty much made the decision but i havent let it be known yet.

i have decided that im going to go ahead and go back to counseling for a little while as i know it would help with some things such as my nightmares, anxiety attacks and possibly even how im feeling about life. Its been almost 7 months since i really went off the deep end and tried to kill myself and i still wonder if im happy or sad that it didnt work. i mean think of it this way. i feel like a complete failure most of the time and back then i always felt that way. i was never good enough no matter what i did. But, when you cant even succeed in a suicide attempt it really makes you feel worthless.

i know im dealing with depression right now and ive been crying off and on all day for the past 4 or 5 days. It needs to stop and i know its going to with a combination of things, counseling being one of those things.

For me theres nothing worse than being a slave and feeling unneeded and thats how ive been for a long time now. im even digging at my nails again, but i think tomorrow ill do my nails and put on fake ones to keep me from messing with them for a while.

Its funny how lately ive pierced my ears many more times, and got my nose done on both sides. Its  one of those "im in pain in one area so to distract myself ill cause pain in another area,only if the pain only lasts a short time. Yes, im a masochist,ive always been one, it just seems that the longer im single the worse its getting.. Heck, i even cut and burned out my exs initials from the tattoo on my arm so now its only a triskillion with the word slave under it and i like it that way. im still up in the air as to if i will ever let myself be marked like that again...yet i can say that as long as i would know that its no doubt for life i think i could accept it, especially if its a branding as the whole idea of being branded fascinates me and i want to experience it. And im not talking about the kind with a cautery  pen im talking the regular hot iron branding.

i know, im not your average gal and i refuse to ever be average. If i had to describe myself id say im a mix of    the girl next  door, the pain-slut from hell and the geekette. No one title really fits me except for slave but to me thats all encompassing but in the vanilla world i just plain dont fit in and i know this.ive never fit in with vanillas for as long as i can remember and i really dont care. id rather be me than try to fit into the box that society would prefer i be in.

Meditation

 i love meditating, i used to meditate on a daily basis and i was able to help control my stress level that way to an extent.

i was given a few tips and ideas for meditation tonight and i do plan on starting to meditate on a daily basis again. As of right now i only really meditate once or twice a week at the most.

Meditation had a lot of advantages. Its wonderful for a persons stress level, its a great mental get away and last but not least it can be a tool used to listen to your mind and body.

For me i love it when my spirit guide visits me during meditation. Sasha is a huge tigress with 2cubs. Sometimes the cubs are with her and   they are adorable. When its just her i enjoy it as well. The last time she showed up was when i go the whole picture of an incident when i was abused as a child. i was a mess during that session and she showed up and let me cuddle with her. She wrapped her paws around me and held me while i cried it out. That was interesting.

i hope once i get back to meditating daily a few times a day things will improve mentally.

Donation to charities

  My sleep habits have been really messed up lately so ive been seeing a lot of "help this starving child for less than a dollar a day" commercials and honestly they piss me off.

Now im not against helping others what so ever as ive done volunteer work, donated to charities and bought food for people standing on the side of the road with a sign. Heres the thing. If i donate money i check out the charity first and make sure that a good portion of the money is going for the cause. When ive looked into  "adopting a child in poverty" less that $0.40 of each dollar actually goes towards helping the child, the rest goes into administration fees and other things. i find this unacceptable. i realize that they cant ship items, run the charity or do the advertising for free but there needs to be a limit on this. So many are being ripped off thinking they are doing good and thats sad.

Its like the time i went off on my sons school because they did a penny drive to feed the families in Iraq, i was one of the very few parents who refused to let my child participate. Not that i didnt want to help the ones who truly needed it but much of the time at that point any food that was being dropped or distributed was getting into the wrong hands and i refused to feel the terrorists that the food was going to.  Had there been a way and proof that it would have ended up in the right hands i wouldnt have been as against it.

i guess when it comes to humans im just less likely to donate, now shoe me a charity for abused animals or someone taking up a collection for a NO KILL shelter im more than willing to give as much as i can, including my time volunteering and working hands on with the animals.

i had a conversation tonight that made me realize why i am how i am, animals give an unconditional love that even humans that you may break your neck to help them out cant provide. Maybe im odd but its just me.

Writing through my tears

 Many dont understand me, i dont ask them to. i am who i am and i dont makes excuses for it, either accept me or dont. Well, in my past relationship i really thought there would never be another but it ended and ive been trying to move on and dont know how to. i even went out with one person and while he was a great guy im just not ready to move on in that way.

i know what i need and that can include an attachment but one that i can handle with someone who can handle me. Now im not looking for someone to "fix" me, just understand me and realize that there are things about me that even i cant explain or understand and those things are what help me function productively.

i dont NEED sex, and right now i dont even want that. i want someone to hold me, to help me explore things i never have without any sexual pressures added to the mix. i realize many think of a slave and think sex but for me thats such a small part. For me its more about service, taking care of a Master and being able to explore parts of me in a non sexual way.

Take for example flesh hooks, suspension, needles and even whips. Im a very masochistic gal and ive had a purely S&M relationship with no sex before and i was perfectly fine. Ultimately thats what i think would be best for me at this point, even if it is with a Master that i give myself to. Its an odd combination i need right now but i know its out there, its just not an easy find.

i spent over a year with Dave, and it was purely S&M. i would go visit him, get a good whipping, sleep off the exhaustion from it and go home the next day happy as hell all covered in marks. If i couldnt feel any marks when i sat down i knew it was time to go back for a visit. That relationship fed us both, he needed an outlet as did i, just on the opposite end of the spectrum. He turned into one of my best friends. Its too bad i live 3 hours away from him now or i would go visit him for a "fix".

Why is it that so many feel that this lifestyle revolves around sex?? for me i can go without that part and be perfectly happy as long as other needs are being met.

Even if it was simply a Daddy Dom that i could cuddle with and be close to right now id be happy or er....happier anyway but its so hard to find.

Its nights like this that while i dont regret the break up that happened in November as im happier now i do miss having someone who understands me.

So..i think it may be time for me to head to bed and let the dogs kiss away my tears again as they console me in a way no one else can. Even if right now all i want is a hug and to be held while i cry this out.

i need this!!!

Call me crazy but with my weight going up again i need to start walking. i figure ill take the crew with me, 2 of them will be find on leashes but theres no way that my little one who is only 3 pounds could keep up so im thinking of finding a way to invest in a dog stroller.

Looking online i found prices ranging from $30 up to $300. Obviously i want to stay at the lower range and the one im considering is $60.

If Zoe wasnt so small i would just let her walk with the boys but she doesn't even like being on a leash, let alone  i cant imagine her trying to keep up with them,  So this may be ideal for her, plus if i can find one with some kind of storage compartment i could carry their water in it as well so that they dont get too thirsty as Murphy has a habit of getting thirsty and just giving up and planing his but on the sidewalk and not moving so it would be ideal for a few reasons.

Ahh, the more i write about my crew the more im coming to realize that Bones

vampire teeth and all is my lowest maintenance dog, who would have ever guessed this, hes soo easy going and easier to manage...hence why i love poodles but he just seems to be the champion of my crew who goes along with anything that gets dished out to him. Always in good spirits, loves walks and doesnt show his but if hes not happy with something. i wish he wasnt my oldest, as i really wish i still had tons of years loft with him but as long as i keep him healthy im probably still have a good 5 years left with him. i have no idea what ill do without him when he crosses the rainbow bridge...

Beware of canned good prices

 The next time you go grocery shopping and stock up on canned goods make sure and check your receipt.  i myself have fallen into that trap more than once where the shelf price said one thing and the receipt said another.

 i did a study and the worst store for this is Walmart, and only on their brand of canned goods. Any of the other brands checked out as they should have.

On average the Walmart brand checked out at 8 cents higher than the shelf price. This happened more than once and even after bring it to their attention nothing changed. i have checked this out at 4 different Walmarts thinking maybe it was just one store doing it but all of the ones i checked out were the same.

i find this sad.Many go for store brand as its cheaper and lets face it with how our economy is many pinch pennies wherever they can, only to unknowingly really be spending more. im on a very fixed income so when the shelf says its a certain price i expect it to be that price, as do many other consumers. The problem lies when the consumer doesnt check their receipt and assumes that the price on the shelf is what they are charged.

Now think about it, if on average i buy 10 cans a month and pay an extra 8 cents a can that may only be 80 cents a month but if each consumer is doing this think of the profit they make without the consumer realizing it. When you do the numbers its scary, they are making a hell of a profit from those who dont look at the receipt.

My advice is to always check your receipt no matter where you go as even though Walmart seems to be the wort at this im sure there are others out there doing the same.

Why i dont like the Dog Whisperer

 So many sing his praises and i used to be one of those people until i discovered some things about him. i admired his work and in some ways i cant say hes all bad but its the behind the scenes things that i dont like.

 im against shock collars, i had one, er well i should say the ex bought one for Murphy and it was only used a few times and NOT by me!!! When i moved out i purposely took the shock collar for one simple reason...i did not ever want it used on another dog, and i have the dog it was meant for. So needless to say i sold it and from what i understand the person who bought it from me may have bought it for the same reason that i had kept it for, that no one would use it on another dog.  Now even though i am against shock collars that doesnt mean that if someone knows hoe to properly use them that its always wrong but 90% of the time they do more harm than good and the dogs end up having to be retrained.

What does that have to do with the Dog Whisperer you ask?? Well they dont show you that he uses shock collars to train with behind the scenes. Now to my knowledge its on his personal dogs mainly but nonetheless i feel his practice is wrong.  im not a professional dog trainer but i do have 3 rescues and also worked along side a woman who operates a rescue for Great Pyrenees and i learned from her how to properly work with, desensitize and rehab rescues. You use verbal cues, squirt bottles and lots of one on one time. These 3 things have  yet to fail me but they can be time consuming with a stubborn dog. My most stubborn boy still will ignore the squirt bottle at times while my other boy sees it and stops in his tracks, i dont even have to keep water in it when it comes to him. My newest one is so tiny and new that i havent done much with her yet besides working on getting her back to health and working on puppy pad training. Shes only 3 pounds so its not like shes much of an issue to control.

i just find it heart breaking to hear of professional trainers resorting to such inhuman ways of training, maybe hes too busy to spend hours on end with one particular animal and thats whats behind his reasoning but no matter his reason ive lost all respect for him and know that my days of following him are sadly over.

Bones and his growth

As you all know if youve read anything i write at all im an animal lover, especially poodles. Bones my second poodle who is a rescue came to me emaciated, scared and severely abused. ive had him for a little over 3 years now and it took the first year and a half to two years to even be able to have a belt around him without his running to another room for fear of being beaten with it.

i never lay a hand on my dogs, i use my voice and a water gun for correction. With abused animals its the only way to go unless you want to do more damage. My goal however is to undo what other humans have dont and teach them to trust humans again. This does not happen overnight and takes a lot of one on one time and dedication. The first 2 and a half years that i had bones he did a lot of changing and learning but its been the past4 months in which he has changed the most and its all for the better.

When i moved i really expected him to go backwards in everything i had done but instead he met my nephew, sho has desensitized him to the point of how starting to rough house with him and bones goes back for more. Its amazing and makes me soo happy to see these changes. Of course living where there are also other dogs has also been good for him but its the interaction with different people that has really made the changes.

Bones will go up to my nephew and wait for him to give him attention, push him around or even toss him on the couch, all in playing as i know no one here would hurt any of my dogs on purpose and Bones and Murphy both eat it up. They love my nephew and the way he plays with them.

Once i had moved away from my ex i started rough housing with my boys a little, as i was never allowed to before but dogs like playing like that sometimes and it doesnt hurt anything as long as your careful and watch closely for any signs that they are uncomfortable with whats going on. My boys eat up playing rough when they want to play and im soo glad as Bones in particular has grown soo much, so while ill admit moving was very scary for me it did end up being a good thing, especially for the dogs.

ITS FRIDAY!!!!

  Most of my days run together, i tend to have to look on the calendar to even know what day of the week it is most days. Thats the issue with not working but i wouldnt give it up for many reasons. i enjoy my writing, taking care of the dogs and hopefully at some point ill have a Master to care for as well.

Sometimes i wonder when im writing if i should write about personal experiences or not...its kind of a grey area for me and i do have to watch what i write as im working on my first book and i dont want to give away much of my life as the book is based on my past. im actually chipping away at it pretty well lately. i seem to have caught a second wind with my writing which is a great thing.

i tend to jump around a lot when i write by working on a blog, then my book for a bit then when i get bored with it or need to give my mind a break i play WOW for a while, i also play Magic the Gathering online as well so i have plenty of things that keep me busy on the computer. When i want off the computer i either knit or preferably play with my dogs.

How sad is it that my best friends are 4 legged fur babies, but i wouldnt give that up for the world. They give me something no human ever could or can and thats unconditional love. Being that i have rescues their unconditional love is even stronger and i can see the love in their eyes.

Soo, i dont have any plans for the weekend, but i do plan on leveling up quite a bit in WOW and im working on 2 new characters so that will keep me busy, as will my writing. My goal is to have my book done by July so i have a lot of work to do on it. im really excited about my writing and am even considering doing an erotica book once i get finished with my current one...we will see...

Odd article

 i just finished reading an interesting article about bull fighting. Not the bull against human/matador type but bull against bull. They are doing this in Korea and i find it sad. im not an extreme activist when it comes to animals but common sense tells me this is just wrong.

In my head its no different than dog or cock fights, only the animals are much bigger. The United States is very uptight on many things and our views are conservative in comparison to the rest of the world but come on...To me animals are something we should protect, not purposely put in harms way. The article did leave out a lot of information such as if the bulls ever kill each other, but what also was interesting was that the bull owner that was interviewed said that at one point he actually slept in the pen with his bulls for a week which leads one to believe that these animals are fairly tame. With that being said i wonder what they do to put the bulls into fighting mode.

i found something awesome yesterday!!

 i love reading and my choice books are ebooks that i can read from my computer. Not only are they cost effective but i dont lose them, the binding doesnt get ruined and and i never have to worry about the dogs chewing them up, or me spilling my coffee on them. Not to say that i havent spilled coffee in my computer as i have but you get the point.

Normally i get the Gor series of books and occasionally others that catch my eye but i found a site called free ebooks and while it limits how many you can download a month to 5, when you sign up they give you the premium membership the first 7 days and let you download 15 books.

i got books about topics ranging from pet care and vampires to how to self publish a book. Which the how to publish a book will come in handy as im working on my first book right now and im hoping this book helps me with some of my questions.

ive always been an avid reader and i read anything i can get my hands on  but i have to say that one of my favorite book series has to be Imortations of immortality. Not an easy series to find but i read them when i was in high school and i was blown away by them. Then later on i discovered Danielle Steele and Stephen King.

i often complain about my parents and how i was raised but i will give my mother a little credit in one area and thats how she always read to me from the time i was born until i could read myself.  She is why i love reading, and i feel that every parent should read to their children like she did. Heck when i was pregnant with my daughter i read to her before she was even born, and with both of them i read to them most every night before bed. Now, my son loves to read but only technical books, which is fine with me as its still reading and learning and my daughter will read anything she can get her hands on, much like me.

The only books i never read to them was Dr. Seuss books, those things drive me nuts, i simply cant make it through one of those books without a headache. i guess everyone has their limit...Dr. Seuss must be mine.

So, highly suggest using ebooks, they are awesome for many reasons and reading in general is one of the best things you can do, not only for your children but also for yourself.

Wow, i think i offended another person all because chose to be a Satanist...WTF..This is America and i have every right to be what i want.

Why did i chose Satanism...well it all boils down to self empowerment and believing in something that i can see, me!!! i dont necessarily worship Satan in the way that others think i do. For me its more about learning who i am, growing as a person and letting no one stop me from doing as i believe is right for me!!!

 For years i lived as a Wiccan, then later was forced to attend bible study in a church...that really sucked!! but i did learn during the bible study so it wasnt worthless. i learned all the many ways that the bible contradicts itself and how thousands if not more were killed in "the name of God". People like to say that they kill someone in the name of satan but they are just kidding themselves.

 Yes, satanism is about doing what you enjoy and what makes you happy but that doesnt mean to go out and hurt others. In fact its wrong even in Satanism to hurt others as you are free to do as you wish in satanism as long as what you wish doesnt prevent others from doing the same and im sure that taking another life, being that im sure they would want to live would break that rule.

Some of you that read this i know in person...ask yourself this...do you see me as an evil person? im sure that unless your my ex you will answer that question as being a no.

So, please think about who i am, not what i am or show i chose to worship. Personally i feel once you get to know me you will find im a decent person who loves my friends and am passionate about those things in which i love.

My fibromyalgia fight

i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 4 years ago. It started out that i was injured at work and have herniated discs from the work injury, which sparked fibromyalgia to occur. This disorder has caused me to feel like im losing my mind at times and makes me feel very useless. here are some of the symptoms

Pain all over
Fatigue
Sleep difficulties
Brain fog
Morning stiffness
Muscle knots, cramping, weakness
Digestive disorders
Headaches/migraines
Balance problems
Itchy/burning skin

This is NOT a complete list as along with it is vertigo, depression, IBS and memory issues. All of which i deal with on a daily basis.

i run into people who say " well why cant you get a job" or " you could work if you really wanted to". im not a lazy person by any means and wish i could work and hold down a full time or even part time job but how can a preson hold down a job in which i may be able to be there for 4 days then on the 5th day be in soo much pain or soo exhausted that i cant even get out of bed.

i used to run and program CNC machines, drive a forklift and operate an overhead crane. A very physical job. Now im doing good if i can manage to stand long enough to groom one of my dogs with the trimmers and finish it in one day.

This stuff is my curse, i hate it, and meds only make it worse for me. i try and take cymbalta on my bad days but that only leads to fibro fog which makes me miserable.

i have discovered that by cutting out some artificial sweeteners has helped and im in the process of cutting out nightshades from my diet which includes tomato, potatoes and eggplant.  Going gluten free is also supposed to help. im seriously considering living off of my protein shakes and fresh vegis only as it will not only cause to me lose weight but it will cut out all the things im not supposed to have.

Someday i hope my life returns to normal, until that day i will keep pushing on and dealing with life day by day.

New species...

Reading an article on a new species suspected to be like a shrimp got me thinking...

People seem surprised that there can be new animals found. Why is this? Think about it, we are fairly young in comparison to this earth.. there are probably tons of creatures we have yet to discover, not to mention if you factor in species cross breeding or evolving and adapting to new climates.

Heck, who knows maybe dragons, unicorn and the phoenix may actually exist, if not today maybe in the future. Now dont take that as me talking about humans doing their experimentation, cross breeding and genetic modifications, im talking about natural occurring changes.

   

My thoughts on firearms

 i grew up with a father who collected guns, so i grew up around them and was taught to respect them. Something that many dont understand.

Many feel that people shouldnt have the right to have guns in their homes but in my opinion i feel every american has the right to own them as long as they are responsible with them. By being responsible i mean basically if there are kids in the home teach them the dangers of guns and how to respect the weapons and the adults need to keep them stored in a safe place unloaded or with safety locks on and preferably under lock and key.

There was a time that i worked in a restaurant and was help up at gun point by a guy in a ski mask. Now heres the thing, im not afraid of guns after that incident but it made me terrified of ski masks.

When i was 12 i was given a BB gun for christmas, and should my son now want a gun i would have no issue with it as long as he is made to understand the responsibility it brings to a person.

i love the idea of conceal carry and see nothing wrong with it, i do understand why you cant carry when in places that serve or sell alcohol and thats just common sense as the two dont mix especially when some may get crazy about it.

The issues with firearms is that not enough respect them enough and use them in anger, hence drive by shooting, bullied kids and jealous husbands. Tempers and guns dont mix well unless you want to be serving bubba for the next 20 years that is...

One thing i did learn years ago however was that out of 100 people 10 or less actually have the nerve to pull the trigger when its aimed at another person.

There are so many views on this topis and i would love to hear others opinions so please chime in id love to hear what others think.

Being a geekette pays off

 Yes, im a geekette. Meaning that im a geek/nerd and a little who is around the age of 7 which accounts for many of my likes.

 Lets analyze this for a bit...the geek part of me... im a nerd/geek and i admit and even embrace it. i love playing my video games such as WoW, im an avid writer/blogger and im just me. i dont apologize for how i am and if others cant accept me they can find the door. im a crafty person who likes to make things, in fact i just finished making a dog carry pouch for my new little 3 pound teacup poodle. i wear glasses to read and i LOVE to read and usually choose sci fi or books about animals.

The little part of me links in with the geek part in ways, as the video games kind of fit both as does the love for animals. But i also love coloring books, stuffed animals and i collect My Little Ponys and Hello Kitty items. i love the kid in me, it keeps me from feeling old and my dogs play a part in that as they love to play and be active and love when i chase them around, one even plays hide-n-seek with me which is adorable.

So needless to say im not your average gal and i aspire to never be that.

Update and catching up

Its been a few weeks since ive written so im going ot try and make up for lost time in one post.

First off this tuesday i find out if im having surgery on my shoulder. i injured it 5 years ago and reinjured it about a month ago, hence why i havent been writing. ive been pretty mush just hanging out and letting it rest for the most part. Although i do get caught over doing it quite a bit...LOL

The past month has had its ups and downs as ive been doing a lot of soul searching which i needed to do. i still dont know what im wanting in life but i do know that i think ill be happiest if i just get a place on my own when i can with the dogs and just let it be the 4 of us for now.

i adopted a baby girl teacup poodle 6 days ago. Shes adorable. She was found and no one claimed her so i adopted her. Shes not microchipped and we are guessing she is around 5 years old. Shes quite the little diva, having to be held all the time, and wont let me out of her sight. Shes very skinny right now but she has been eating better today and i have no doubt that in time she will gain the weight she needs to make her healthy and she will be just fine.

i havent been catching much news with the exception of the African american boy who was shot in Flordia...sorry, call me messed up if you want but had it bed a white guy shot by a black guy nothing would have been said...im not racist but things like this piss me off. i get the whole entitlement feeling from this topic and i hate it when people act like that. They need to grow the hell up, act like adults and not lat race be a factor and just look at it as 2 humans. One who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the other guy simply doing his job.

i know, i dont think along the lines of many others and thats what makes me unique...something i refuse to give up or sugar coat for anyone...take me as i am or dont let the door hit you in the ass on your way out as my belief system is not about to change for anyone or anything. 

Happy Easter

 To all of those who celebrate this day i wish you a happy Easter.

i personally dont celebrate holidays save for Halloween but thats just me and my beliefs. That doesnt mean i dont do for others on their chosen holidays however.