Many dont understand me, i dont ask them to. i am who i am and i dont makes excuses for it, either accept me or dont. Well, in my past relationship i really thought there would never be another but it ended and ive been trying to move on and dont know how to. i even went out with one person and while he was a great guy im just not ready to move on in that way.
i know what i need and that can include an attachment but one that i can handle with someone who can handle me. Now im not looking for someone to "fix" me, just understand me and realize that there are things about me that even i cant explain or understand and those things are what help me function productively.
i dont NEED sex, and right now i dont even want that. i want someone to hold me, to help me explore things i never have without any sexual pressures added to the mix. i realize many think of a slave and think sex but for me thats such a small part. For me its more about service, taking care of a Master and being able to explore parts of me in a non sexual way.
Take for example flesh hooks, suspension, needles and even whips. Im a very masochistic gal and ive had a purely S&M relationship with no sex before and i was perfectly fine. Ultimately thats what i think would be best for me at this point, even if it is with a Master that i give myself to. Its an odd combination i need right now but i know its out there, its just not an easy find.
i spent over a year with Dave, and it was purely S&M. i would go visit him, get a good whipping, sleep off the exhaustion from it and go home the next day happy as hell all covered in marks. If i couldnt feel any marks when i sat down i knew it was time to go back for a visit. That relationship fed us both, he needed an outlet as did i, just on the opposite end of the spectrum. He turned into one of my best friends. Its too bad i live 3 hours away from him now or i would go visit him for a "fix".
Why is it that so many feel that this lifestyle revolves around sex?? for me i can go without that part and be perfectly happy as long as other needs are being met.
Even if it was simply a Daddy Dom that i could cuddle with and be close to right now id be happy or er....happier anyway but its so hard to find.
Its nights like this that while i dont regret the break up that happened in November as im happier now i do miss having someone who understands me.
So..i think it may be time for me to head to bed and let the dogs kiss away my tears again as they console me in a way no one else can. Even if right now all i want is a hug and to be held while i cry this out.
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