This is weird, its only going on 2 am and im exhausted. For at least the past week ive seen daylight before i could fall to sleep. This is a very good thing as i need to get my sleep schedule back on half way normal hours.
i think its been a combination of feeling completely lost and totally out of control that has caused this...however i see those days coming to an end. im on the verge of making a huge decision, or well ive pretty much made the decision but i havent let it be known yet.
i have decided that im going to go ahead and go back to counseling for a little while as i know it would help with some things such as my nightmares, anxiety attacks and possibly even how im feeling about life. Its been almost 7 months since i really went off the deep end and tried to kill myself and i still wonder if im happy or sad that it didnt work. i mean think of it this way. i feel like a complete failure most of the time and back then i always felt that way. i was never good enough no matter what i did. But, when you cant even succeed in a suicide attempt it really makes you feel worthless.
i know im dealing with depression right now and ive been crying off and on all day for the past 4 or 5 days. It needs to stop and i know its going to with a combination of things, counseling being one of those things.
For me theres nothing worse than being a slave and feeling unneeded and thats how ive been for a long time now. im even digging at my nails again, but i think tomorrow ill do my nails and put on fake ones to keep me from messing with them for a while.
Its funny how lately ive pierced my ears many more times, and got my nose done on both sides. Its one of those "im in pain in one area so to distract myself ill cause pain in another area,only if the pain only lasts a short time. Yes, im a masochist,ive always been one, it just seems that the longer im single the worse its getting.. Heck, i even cut and burned out my exs initials from the tattoo on my arm so now its only a triskillion with the word slave under it and i like it that way. im still up in the air as to if i will ever let myself be marked like that again...yet i can say that as long as i would know that its no doubt for life i think i could accept it, especially if its a branding as the whole idea of being branded fascinates me and i want to experience it. And im not talking about the kind with a cautery pen im talking the regular hot iron branding.
i know, im not your average gal and i refuse to ever be average. If i had to describe myself id say im a mix of the girl next door, the pain-slut from hell and the geekette. No one title really fits me except for slave but to me thats all encompassing but in the vanilla world i just plain dont fit in and i know this.ive never fit in with vanillas for as long as i can remember and i really dont care. id rather be me than try to fit into the box that society would prefer i be in.
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