My fight with Agoraphobia

   This is something i dont often open up about but i suffer from agoraphobia, meaning that i dont like to be around crowds and at times cant even stand to go out the door.

  A few years ago i went for 6 months without going anywhere alone as i just couldnt, even to run to the store or go to a doctors appointment was too much for me to do alone. No one understood and its hard to explain to people that often times i want to go do something but i just cant. Take for example going to a movie, i love movies...but i dont like going to theaters much as there are always too many people and when the lights go out i cant see them well and i dont feel safe.

 Back when i was with my ex i could tolerate things like that sometimes if he pushed me to do it but he was always there to help me through and now i dont have that. Thats just one more reason that i do need someone, preferable a Master type in my life to help guide me in these things. Even if i were hanging out with someone vanilla and they knew my issue and would help push me that would work too. i just dont go do things with lots of people around on my own.

It takes more than just the average person to handle me and i know this, thats what makes life so complicated for me as i hate to be alone yet i cant imagine being with someone either...its hard to explain as i want someone in my life but i also have fears of it as well.  Not to mention that they need to accept that i do have dogs and they are non negotiable and i wont get rid of them for anyone, nor should i be expected to.

Its hard to explain agoraphobia and unless you deal with it you may not understand. Take for example going out to dinner, i may want to go but if i get there, providing you can get me there in the first place, im more than likely going to have at the least an anxiety attack, if not completely meltdown and have to leave.

Its not fun to deal with and ive been dealing with this for years but the worst part is going to the store. Im an empath so people tend to be drawn to me and all i want is to be invisible. i dont want to hear others issues when all i need to do is grab milk or shampoo, all i want is to get my stuff and get out but that rarely happens, especially if im alone. And it drains me as i may not only be getting my energy drained by these vampires but im also more than likely on the verge on if not having an anxiety attack if i cant get away from them fast enough.

Now, dont take this as im rude to people as i do my best not to be but i also do tend to go out of my way to avoid people as well if i sense im going to be drained.

It can make life complicated at times but i handle it day by day...