im seriously hurting right now. If it wasnt 3 am i would probably want to go the emergency room. i havent been eating out much and today/yesterday, whatever you want to call it as im still awake so its still today for me, anyway i had McDonalds for lunch and Pizza for dinner, now my best move. im supposed to cut tomatoes, potatoes and gluten from my diet and i had bunches of all of that. Everything from my neck down is aching like mad. i took tylenol and motrin and its not touching it. i feel like im going to throw up from the pain.
So..this is only proof that these things do affect me and in a more major way than i had thought. Of course i did have them in more than usual quantities for me today and im sure that that along with any preservatives, grease and just the general too many carbs didnt help either. Heres the thing, i was already about to break my cane out again as im still hurting from grooming the dogs 4 days ago and now this.
i get soo frustrated as i was just thinking tonight about chancing my odds and trying to go to school or even find something i could do as far as work and then this settles in. Others have no clue how i feel about anything right now. This pain makes me feel worthless and useless and no one understands that while they cannot see my pain or see that i am disabled that i am. im not joking around, i have all the documents to prove it. im not proud of it by any means but its real and there is nothing i can do to make it go away. Even if i were to get the spinal injections my stenosis would not go away, nor would my fibromyalgia, PTSD, or degenerative disc disease. People laugh and tell me well i have that too and it doesnt bother me... try having these things combined, not just one or two but try three major things with my back...im seriously lucky to be doing as well as i am being able to get out of bed every day.
Yes, life fucking sucks. im sitting here in tears from the pain and am on the verge of an anxiety attack due to the severity of it all...some days i just wish i could walk in front of a bus and have it all end.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Barely treading water
Today sucked!!!, i had counseling again today and all i can do is sit there and cry. The worst part is that i figured something out. i come from a very non physical family, no hugs, no telling eachother that they love you and even though ive distanced myself from them , or well most of them anyway that doesnt mean that i dont still want them around.
i got very dependent on physical touch, even if it was just at night while sleeping at times. im a huggy person and its been months since ive actually had a hug and i think im going through withdrawl from it if that makes sense. The only affection i get is when im hanging out with my dogs...sad isnt it...
i got very dependent on physical touch, even if it was just at night while sleeping at times. im a huggy person and its been months since ive actually had a hug and i think im going through withdrawl from it if that makes sense. The only affection i get is when im hanging out with my dogs...sad isnt it...
Cant sleep
i tried to get some sleep a few hours ago, i just laid there. Even the melatonin didnt do a thing, so im up and not sure what im going to do now.
Life has been an adventure lately to say the least. i am getting more done but i still dont feel productive, in fact im hurting like hell, my fibro is kicking up in the worst of ways and im having trouble even standing and while trying to sleep i was having chest pains again...i know its only the fibro so no cause for alarm but still its uncomfortable.
Change and me do not do well together, in fact change scares the hell out of me... im getting ready to make some changes in my life and while i know its the right thing to do and im trying to roll with it i feel myself buckling under and wanting to fight it at every step of the way. This is just how i react to it, its nothing new but i never welcome this feeling either.
Life has been an adventure lately to say the least. i am getting more done but i still dont feel productive, in fact im hurting like hell, my fibro is kicking up in the worst of ways and im having trouble even standing and while trying to sleep i was having chest pains again...i know its only the fibro so no cause for alarm but still its uncomfortable.
Change and me do not do well together, in fact change scares the hell out of me... im getting ready to make some changes in my life and while i know its the right thing to do and im trying to roll with it i feel myself buckling under and wanting to fight it at every step of the way. This is just how i react to it, its nothing new but i never welcome this feeling either.
Why i hate Mothers day
Im a mother, not everyone knows this but i am. i have 2 children that i dont see out of choice...love me or hate me thats your decision. You have no idea why ive made the choices i have so judge me if you wish.
Anyway, even when i did have the kids in my life i still hated mothers day. i understand all the love your mother crap, show them you love them and all that good stuff however whats the point. i was always forced into celebrating it if i wanted to or not...
Now that ive been away from my kids for so long i had grown kind of immune to the whole idea with the exception of my ex celebrating it for me with things from the dogs..yes, im that crazy over my crew.
Maybe im just bitter over things in life, ive earned those shoes and have every right to be bitter. If you were in my shoes you would probably be as well. im usually good at rolling with things but some things i just cant roll with. Useless Halmark holidays are one of them...
Anyway, even when i did have the kids in my life i still hated mothers day. i understand all the love your mother crap, show them you love them and all that good stuff however whats the point. i was always forced into celebrating it if i wanted to or not...
Now that ive been away from my kids for so long i had grown kind of immune to the whole idea with the exception of my ex celebrating it for me with things from the dogs..yes, im that crazy over my crew.
Maybe im just bitter over things in life, ive earned those shoes and have every right to be bitter. If you were in my shoes you would probably be as well. im usually good at rolling with things but some things i just cant roll with. Useless Halmark holidays are one of them...
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Complicated me
Its so complicated for me. im one of those gals who gives with everything she has yet is awkward when it comes to sharing her true feelings with anyone unless she is angry.
When im happy or something good has happened i dont usually say anything. Same for how i am with others. No matter how much i may want to say or do something within my heart my head stops me always wondering if what im going to do will make me look stupid or silly.
Maybe i worry too much about what others think of me but at one point i had a decent circle of friends who actually cared what was going on in my life. Now there are few but those who do care mean a great deal to me, especially at this point when im feeling soo out of sorts with my emotions and such.
It is the full moon phase however so i know that i cant depend on my thoughts, emotions or physical reactions to things to be accurate but i should say that this is the kindest full moon ive felt yet as usually im extremely cranky, in tons of pain and exhausted and this time around i actually got things accomplished...its amazing
Ugh, i sat out to write this big entry and lost my train of thought so ill end it here and finish it in another entry if the words and ideas come back to me.
When im happy or something good has happened i dont usually say anything. Same for how i am with others. No matter how much i may want to say or do something within my heart my head stops me always wondering if what im going to do will make me look stupid or silly.
Maybe i worry too much about what others think of me but at one point i had a decent circle of friends who actually cared what was going on in my life. Now there are few but those who do care mean a great deal to me, especially at this point when im feeling soo out of sorts with my emotions and such.
It is the full moon phase however so i know that i cant depend on my thoughts, emotions or physical reactions to things to be accurate but i should say that this is the kindest full moon ive felt yet as usually im extremely cranky, in tons of pain and exhausted and this time around i actually got things accomplished...its amazing
Ugh, i sat out to write this big entry and lost my train of thought so ill end it here and finish it in another entry if the words and ideas come back to me.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Life
Well, i took a big step today. i went to my old town for the first time since leaving there. i did spent the entire time looking over my shoulder and on guard as i was scared to death of running into people i didnt want to see but i did it!!!
It actually wore me out and im very glad to be back home now.
Other than that i havent been up to too much, not if you are looking from the outside anyway. However on the inside, in my mind i have a million things going on, thoughts and questions all spinning around. Plans being organized in my head, and trying to figure out how to regain myself without looking crazy.
Its tough not being understood and living around vanillas. i dont think anyone understands one thing i do or why i do it. Its not their place to and they dont put me down for it but it does get odd sometimes and i dont care for that part yet i cant give up who i am either just as they cant give up who they are nor would i ask them to.
Soo, im trying to get back on track, NO, im going to get back on track and stay on track this time. i have to, its the only way i can move forward and i have so much already set up and started so this is just more of the process. i took too long to do this in ways yet at the same time i guess that i did need time to heal.
It actually wore me out and im very glad to be back home now.
Other than that i havent been up to too much, not if you are looking from the outside anyway. However on the inside, in my mind i have a million things going on, thoughts and questions all spinning around. Plans being organized in my head, and trying to figure out how to regain myself without looking crazy.
Its tough not being understood and living around vanillas. i dont think anyone understands one thing i do or why i do it. Its not their place to and they dont put me down for it but it does get odd sometimes and i dont care for that part yet i cant give up who i am either just as they cant give up who they are nor would i ask them to.
Soo, im trying to get back on track, NO, im going to get back on track and stay on track this time. i have to, its the only way i can move forward and i have so much already set up and started so this is just more of the process. i took too long to do this in ways yet at the same time i guess that i did need time to heal.
May the fourth be with you, Happy Star Wars Day....?
Okay, im not surprised by this as everyone and everything and its brother has a national holiday but Star Wars...come on folks. Dont get me wrong im a sify fan and all but i guess this one just boggles my mind.
i grew up with 2 brothers that were and still are fanatics about Star Wars, Star Trek and Mystery Science theater 3000 being shoved down my throat so for years ive spent my life avoiding these things. Sadly, or maybe not so sadly im at a crossroads where im starting to think maybe i will enjoy these things if i just give them a chance. Afterall i seem to be the only one who doesnt understand all the jokes from those shows so i need to catch up on things.
im a geekette after all and i think im the only one i know who plays WoW and doesnt like these other things. But im weird like that, its why im an individual and unique. i dont usually conform to the masses like all the other sheep. i like doing my own thing, doing what makes me happy and saying screw the rest...
Maybe im just getting old and soft... who knows...well off this thought for now...maybe ill see about watching one of these movies later...stranger things have happened...
i grew up with 2 brothers that were and still are fanatics about Star Wars, Star Trek and Mystery Science theater 3000 being shoved down my throat so for years ive spent my life avoiding these things. Sadly, or maybe not so sadly im at a crossroads where im starting to think maybe i will enjoy these things if i just give them a chance. Afterall i seem to be the only one who doesnt understand all the jokes from those shows so i need to catch up on things.
im a geekette after all and i think im the only one i know who plays WoW and doesnt like these other things. But im weird like that, its why im an individual and unique. i dont usually conform to the masses like all the other sheep. i like doing my own thing, doing what makes me happy and saying screw the rest...
Maybe im just getting old and soft... who knows...well off this thought for now...maybe ill see about watching one of these movies later...stranger things have happened...
PTSD, nightmares and flashbacks Oh my!!
i have such a fun colorful life sometimes...i love waking up at night shaking because i was just dreaming of being chased by someone trying to kill me, or waking up startled because in a dream i got to see a little more of what happened on one particular day when my step dad molested me...
So many things have shaped who i am, and for a while i let those things define me...Not anymore. Im 34 and falling apart physically and the other issues are small in comparison to what i deal with on a daily basis as far as pain. Actually being realistic part of my physical pain is due to some of the other issues as without quality sleep my body suffers and i know that. Its a delicate balance which must be made.
Oh, heres a funny thing, i tried to meditate lastnight...do you have any idea how tough that is to do with a little poodle sitting on your head??? Its tough, i didnt make much progress...but i did get snuggles so im not complaining, i prefer those over meditation anytime.
Either the news needs to pick up, i need to get more creative or something... why is it that lately there is nothing good to write about??? Nothing good in the news. i know i do need to work on the few band reviews that i started but its hard to when you dont get answers to any of your questions you send them. i wont make up stuff just to fill room, thats just not me. Its actual facts, opinion and information from the band or nothing bets written. im not going to just make the whole thing about what i think there needs to be some facts in it, or at least thats how i prefer to do it.
Still contemplating what to do with my book, keep working on it...stop working on it...put it on here little by little to let the world to read...
im also considering starting to write short stories to put on here along with some poems. im not real great at poetry but sometimes i come up with something that i like to write.
Soo many things to figure out...i know ill choose whats right for me but if your reading this and have a suggestion one way or the other please feel free to speak up.
So many things have shaped who i am, and for a while i let those things define me...Not anymore. Im 34 and falling apart physically and the other issues are small in comparison to what i deal with on a daily basis as far as pain. Actually being realistic part of my physical pain is due to some of the other issues as without quality sleep my body suffers and i know that. Its a delicate balance which must be made.
Oh, heres a funny thing, i tried to meditate lastnight...do you have any idea how tough that is to do with a little poodle sitting on your head??? Its tough, i didnt make much progress...but i did get snuggles so im not complaining, i prefer those over meditation anytime.
Either the news needs to pick up, i need to get more creative or something... why is it that lately there is nothing good to write about??? Nothing good in the news. i know i do need to work on the few band reviews that i started but its hard to when you dont get answers to any of your questions you send them. i wont make up stuff just to fill room, thats just not me. Its actual facts, opinion and information from the band or nothing bets written. im not going to just make the whole thing about what i think there needs to be some facts in it, or at least thats how i prefer to do it.
Still contemplating what to do with my book, keep working on it...stop working on it...put it on here little by little to let the world to read...
im also considering starting to write short stories to put on here along with some poems. im not real great at poetry but sometimes i come up with something that i like to write.
Soo many things to figure out...i know ill choose whats right for me but if your reading this and have a suggestion one way or the other please feel free to speak up.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Finally back home
So, i had an appointment with the dentist to have a broken tooth fixed and it was a new dentist. i really liked her and she did a wonderful job. In fact i go back tomorrow for a cleaning that im about a month overdue for.
im really trying to pull myself back together. i went out and got a 3 divider notebook to record my daily meds, food/liquid intake and daily activity. i also picked up a little pocket calendar so i can better keep track of appointments.
The worst of it all was that i had no sleep last night and i was dozing off at the dentist waiting for the Novocaine to take full affect. i dozed off so hard at one point that i started to dream and when i workup startled i started crying because in my dream my ex was there with me as he always was when i went to the dentist.
When will this shit end??? im trying soo hard to move on and my mind keep bringing him backup...i dont know how to handle it. i do see my counselor in the morning, maybe they will be able to help. ive been crying off and on ever since that happened and this is just becoming more than i can take.
it was nice coming back home to the boys and zoe where i know that Bones is here to comfort me.
Theres nothing i wouldnt give right now to have someone here to just hold me while i cried this out.
i did do a few other things today such as we went to Walmart and i got some fabric to make zoe a few dresses and picked up a few other things i needed.
We then went running errands which was nice and i kept trying to change my train of thought and it helped a bit, we even went to the dollar tree where i picked up a few things for the dogs and found a few other things ive been looking to get.
Oh and when at Walmart they had Rocky Horror Picture Show for only 5 bucks...i had to have it. i try to be careful and not spend too much on un needed things so ive pretty much used my allowance for that up but i didnt get anything big and with the day ive had i needed something to cheer me up.
i brought the crew home cheeseburgers as i promised and they loved them as usual.
Right now im kicked back in the recliner with Zoe in my lap and i think im going to settle in for a nap as ive been up over 24 hours now and im exhausted which isnt helping anything.
At this point all i can think is that i wish i had someone who could go with me to my appointment tomorrow, its not that im a chicken at the dentist as im fine on my own now as far as the dental stuff is concerned, i just want the shock of being alone there to stop, im soo used to not doing these things on my own.
i really wonder if im not headed towards a nervous breakdown at this point as i cant handle anything...
im really trying to pull myself back together. i went out and got a 3 divider notebook to record my daily meds, food/liquid intake and daily activity. i also picked up a little pocket calendar so i can better keep track of appointments.
The worst of it all was that i had no sleep last night and i was dozing off at the dentist waiting for the Novocaine to take full affect. i dozed off so hard at one point that i started to dream and when i workup startled i started crying because in my dream my ex was there with me as he always was when i went to the dentist.
When will this shit end??? im trying soo hard to move on and my mind keep bringing him backup...i dont know how to handle it. i do see my counselor in the morning, maybe they will be able to help. ive been crying off and on ever since that happened and this is just becoming more than i can take.
it was nice coming back home to the boys and zoe where i know that Bones is here to comfort me.
Theres nothing i wouldnt give right now to have someone here to just hold me while i cried this out.
i did do a few other things today such as we went to Walmart and i got some fabric to make zoe a few dresses and picked up a few other things i needed.
We then went running errands which was nice and i kept trying to change my train of thought and it helped a bit, we even went to the dollar tree where i picked up a few things for the dogs and found a few other things ive been looking to get.
Oh and when at Walmart they had Rocky Horror Picture Show for only 5 bucks...i had to have it. i try to be careful and not spend too much on un needed things so ive pretty much used my allowance for that up but i didnt get anything big and with the day ive had i needed something to cheer me up.
i brought the crew home cheeseburgers as i promised and they loved them as usual.
Right now im kicked back in the recliner with Zoe in my lap and i think im going to settle in for a nap as ive been up over 24 hours now and im exhausted which isnt helping anything.
At this point all i can think is that i wish i had someone who could go with me to my appointment tomorrow, its not that im a chicken at the dentist as im fine on my own now as far as the dental stuff is concerned, i just want the shock of being alone there to stop, im soo used to not doing these things on my own.
i really wonder if im not headed towards a nervous breakdown at this point as i cant handle anything...
Rant, not for the easily offended
*** Disclaimer this may offend some, so if your easily offended dont read this!!!***
Well, it’s the beginning of a new month and as such im going to try and make a few changes and make them stick!!!
What are these changes?? First off im going to get back into doing yoga again. I have to do something, my body is aching and too fatigued and while I cant stop that part and no one understands that this is not how I want to be at all as its not what im used to
Ok, off on a fucking rant…I have some MAJOR health issues, come on at me people, tell me how lazy I am that I don’t work and ill simply ask you how you would feel if you woke up and went to bed with every minute of your day being in pain that’s a level 7 or above!!!! YOU try not to be exhausted to the point of not being able to move from it!!!
My mood is rapid cycling right now and my depression has to where I really wonder if a few days in the hospital wouldn’t do me some good as I could get back on my meds like I need to be. Whats holding me back from going??? Simply my crew, Bones, Murphy and Zoe. I cant function without them and I cant take them with me. I know they would be safe at home and not neglected , that’s not my issue, I feel secure in knowing that should I not be around for whatever reason that they are completely safe.
Me and Zoe have been getting closer, not that she hasn’t been attached to me anyway but im getting to where if I see her alone sleeping or trying to get comfortable I feel guilty and I go pick her up and hold her. Yes, im a fucking sap and I know it. But im only a sap when it comes to them, otherwise im starting to turn into a cold hearted bitch again and that’s not good…I lived that way for years and only came out of it for the ex…big fucking mistake.
Oh, yeah I know you don’t see me cuss a lot but im just fed up with being all politically correct and sometimes a gal just has to let loose and get it all out and this is my time for that.
And don’t take this the wrong way…im NOT suicidal or thinking of doing anything stupid, I do have things to live for…I just have times when I wish my attempt last year would have been successful…Do you have any idea how much of a fuck up I feel like that I couldn’t even do that right??? Of course if you want to get down to the nitty gritty on that subject ive since learned that I wasn’t so much trying to take my life as I was trying to get demons out of my head that were there at the time. I know that idea is hard to swallow but so can be all the other religious bull shit that we get fed everyday. Hell, I don’t remember a day where I don’t see something religious on TV, online or read it in a book…Whats up with this country. We are supposed to have a freedom of religion here yet if my religion isn’t Christian, and heres a clue it isn’t, then society doesn’t accept you and damns you to hell…well I think we are already in hell to be honest.
Oh and this Mayan calendar shit…what a joke. Who actually thinks that all of a sudden the world will just end because a calendar stopped??? Complete bullshit!!!
Okay, that’s my rant for today…I actually have a dentist appointment this morning that im totally dreading but it could be worse…like tomorrow when I get to see a new counselor…that should be fun!!! Im sure after talking to me they may want to change professions… I think that’s why I always get switched around to different counselors so much…Oh well, their issue not mine. If they cant handle me they need to move on as they cant help me that way whatsoever.
Later folks…and remember til next time
SUNSHINE SMILES AND MIDDLE FINGERS UP!!!
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